See Red(eye)

Monday I returned to Cincy from Hawaii (that's right suckas I went to friggin' Hawaii). The problem, however, is that after a week of relaxation, one still has to deal with the air travel industry. The worst of which was the over night, 5 and a half hour leg from San Fransisco to Philadelphia. It wouldn't have been bad, but for a baby that was quiet for about a total of 30 minutes, screaming its head off the entire trip.

Now, I am aware that you should never, never, never shake a baby. But at 4a.m., when this kid hasn't shut up for 3 hours straight..... I have to say, I was thinking, "Never say never. Maybe you should shake that baby." Perhaps just a jostle.

Random Shower Thought #9

Is picking someone else's nose considered making out to Eskimos?

Beer and Porn

So tonight was a first for me. I've seen alot of things occur in a bar, but I've never had anyone try to sell me porn at a bar.

I'm still a little befuddled.

I went out, because it was a friend (and great bartender's) last night at work. I was sitting with close friends, they left, and I stayed to talk to "not so close" friends. That's when a gentlman came in with a duffel bag, trying to sell his wares. I found out that the wares in question were porn dvds. Then he approached our table.

I sh** you not.

"Do you guys wanna buy some adult dvds?", he asks
We both respond with a hearty, "NO!"

He proceeds to pull a handful of dvds from his duffel. The one on top with the title "My First Black C**k!" At this point I force myself not to say what's on my mind, which would be to ask whether he can insure that each woman is, in fact, taking their first black c**k. Because, if I wikipedia this and find that they are not the womens' first black c**k, I will seek a refund. But I don't know how he will react, so I hold my tongue. ("Hold My Tongue" might have been a title in the bag)

He really hurt sales with the following statements:
1. "I don't watch porn." This made me think of a story I once heard of a pen salesman that took the order in pencil, thus losing the sale.
2. After recanting the previous statement, "I've jerked off on alot of these movies." I think he meant "to" instead of "on", but I'm not willing to take that chance.
3. This might be the quote of the night. "You don't have to worry about screwing some skank with porn. I'd rather get AIDS from my own hand, than get AIDS from some chick I banged." Now I'm informed enough to know that's not how AIDS is transmitted. However, I can't help but think that if he can get it from his own hand.... I should wash mine. After all, I just politely shook his hand. I don't know what strain he might have encountered.

He also tried to say that we couldn't find porn for cheaper, and I told him that, having once been a college student with an internet connection, I'm pretty sure that I could find porn for free.

Taco Smell.

I have a problem with the new Taco Bell commercial with the two girls at a club, one with a bacon chalupa in her purse.

If you haven't already seen the Taco Bell bacon chalupa commercial click here.

My problem? While I, like many other men, do actually like bacon and the smell it gives off; if I meet a girl at a bar, club, party, what have you, I'm pretty sure I'd be turned off if she smells of bacon. So I've rewritten the script to reflect reality.

Girl 1: I love this club....do I smell bacon?

Girl 2: Oh yeah that's me. (opens purse) It's a bacon chalupa from taco bell. Guys love the smell of bacon.

Girl 1: That won't work.

Guy walks up.

Guy: Hi ladies.

Girls: Hey!

Guy: I've recieved several complaints of a bacon smell. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Perhaps you should go home and wash. That can't be healthy.

Girl 2: No it's a chalupa in my purse.

Guy: That's disgusting.

He May As Well Be Wearing A Houndstooth Hat.

This is a recent political discussion I had.

Friend: Do you think you'll vote for Barack Obama?
Me: I can't.
Friend: Why not? You don't agree with his politics?
Me: No. That's not it. It's because I went to UT.
F: That makes no sense.
M: Of course it does. I'm from Tennessee, right?
F: Right.
M: And you know I love the Vols, right?
F: Right.
M: So how in good conscience vote for a man with "Bama" in his name.
F: Wow! So... What if his name was BaROCKY O'TOP?
M: Well, of course, then he'd have my vote hands down.

Fartin' In The Shower.

I love to fart (which may make this my most sophisticated post ever). Anywhere, really: sitting on the couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, eating dinner, driving to work, at work, at a bar, at a book store, at church (sorry, God)....really just about anywhere. But my favorite place to fart is the shower. For some uncanny reason that's usually where they are the loudest (perhaps acoustics play a role).

Anyway, suffice it to say today I farted in the shower. However, it was like no other that preceded it. As water ran down my back and the crack of my booty, some of the devil's wind escaped. But from behind the flowing water it made a sort of bubbling sound that I've never heard before. I instantly start laughing. Until....

I can't quite explain the smell. Sort of a hot garbage and rotting carrion, perhaps. I can say it was horrific. You know usually I can handle my own flavor, but this was almost unbearable. I thought I might have to crawl out of the room on all fours, the way you would to avoid smoke inhalation during a fire.

When I returned to consciousness, I tried reconstruct what had happened. I remembered the smell of pure evil. Then I remembered the bubbly fart that had preceded, and I started laughing again.

So the lesson learned is that no matter the price you pay for farting, the laughter makes it all worth it.

.....Oh yeah and don't try to make your own huevos rancheros.

Politically Defect

Nowadays, you have to be careful about every little thing you say.

The other day, I went to Long John Silvers. When I got to the window, there was an African-American lady who took my money. She asked if I wanted condiments, and I replied, "Yeah! Vineger." At which point, I thought to myself, "I really hope she heard the 'vi'". Otherwise, she probabaly thinks I'm filled with hate and very enthusiastic about it.

Who Wouldn't Know The Answer?

I was never a boy scout, but that doesn't mean I don't like being prepared. For example, I hope the following conversation will someday present itself, because I am ready.

Someone: Do you know where I can get a six pound can of hominy?
Me: Why yes! As a matter of fact, I do.

If I Ruled the World

The other day I saw a vanity plate on the back of a Hummer that read "HMR GUY". I guess the fact that he's driving a Hummer isn't conspicuous enough.

Then and there I decided that, if I ruled the world, vanity plates would be banished. However that doesn't seem fair, so I changed my mind. Everyone has to get vanity plates, but you don't get to choose your own. Instead, those who know you best will choose what your plate says.

I'd like to think Hummer guy's would read "BIGDUSH"

(That's "big douche" if you didn't get it)

Random Shower Thought # 8

Do homeless people have to budget their panhandling earnings for markers?

Tuned In To The Pulse Of America.

Local news departments across the country are always fighting for better ratings. I have an idea. Obviously, alot of people watch Law and Order, CSI, and other similar shows. When they promote a new episode, many times they say "ripped from the headlines".

What better way to promote the news? It actually is ripped from the headlines.

Tonight, on News at 6, an all new episode ripped from the
headlines.

Genius.

Crappy Holidays. (aka. Games I Like to Play #4)

Sorry that the Devil's Wind has been somewhat silent (and by no means deadly) as of late, but I assure you I've been doing some thinking and there will be new posts a-coming.

And now on to this one....

I spent the weekend in Tennessee with my family. It was awesome. I won't go into boring details of what we did, but I will tell you about this.

As with most men, my father and I think the act of going number two is funny, and a fun little game we like to play is coming up with new ways to say that this is about to occur. So I'm going to share some of the best I've heard over the years.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl

Talk to a man about a horse

Drop the kids off at the pool

Expunge the Files

Pinch a loaf

Drop some wolf bait

Take a growler

Growl one out

Grunt one out

Coming down with a case of the grunts

I'm poking cotton

I'm prarie dogging

I'm turtle heading

Making some stink mud

Make a sequel to Hope Floats

Building a log cabin

Back the bus out of the garage

Code two

Go phone Elvis

and my dad's personal favorite....

Go to the library.

Feel free to share your own in comments.

Where Do You Keep The Chanukah Flea Collars?

I'm not familiar with the traditions of Kwanzaa, but this seems odd.

If anything I'd think you'd need ant and roach spray for Christmas. After all, you have children setting out cookies.

I'd like to thank Jeff H. and Mike O. for contributing the picture.

Soup-er Idea.

Today I enjoyed some delicious Broccoli and Cheese soup in a bread bowl. I like the bread bowl, because after it's all said and done, there's nothing left over. It's almost like I'm doing my part for the environment. But what to do about the spoon? It's the sole piece of evidence of your meal. What to do? What to do?

Cracker Spoon.

Eat your soup. Eat your bowl. Eat your spoon. Save the Earth.

Not So Fair(er) Sex.

In the movies, sometimes a man and woman are lying in bed together, then the woman wakes up to ask what the man is doing. The man says, "I was just watcing you sleep." Then, all the women watching say that's so romantic.

However, if you break into a woman's house, pull a chair into her bedroom, and watch her sleep, while making a completely unrelated list of ways to murder someone in their sleep; suddenly, it's time for restraining orders and pressed charges.

Stationery Position

The other day I walked into work to see this box sitting in the loading dock.
I had no idea that Bic makes a "graphic" pen. But I'll make my assumptions based on other products describe as "graphic". So this is what I'm imagining they look like.
Perhaps a bit inappropriate for the work place, but I must admit, I've been checking the supplies cabinet everyday since then in anticipation.


Side note: The Devil's Wind does not encourage theft of office supplies. Unless they feature a naked woman.

Rangom Shower Thought #7

Even if you call them unmentionables, haven't you still mentioned them? So obviously they aren't unmentionable.

Maturity and Philanthropy

Yesterday was my birthday. While sitting with friends enjoying a delicious, ice cold Coors Light, I decided that at age 28, I decided that it's time to be a bit more mature and perhaps contribute to society. And what you may ask did I come up with?

I'm bringing back "the year of our Lord". It sounds old timey, IE. mature. And I think it'll class up life for everyone involved. Don't worry non-Christians, you can say "the year of your Lord." Even if you don't believe in him, you do have to concede that he's the basis for our calendar structure.

So to make it official, I declare that on this the twenty second day of the month of October in the year of our Lord twenty aught seven, I declare the return "the year of our Lord".

I'm also bringing back "aught".

Random Shower Thought #6

Are Italians offended by the Whopper?

Gundy for Coors

Some friends at work and I made a Coors Light commercial
with Oklahoma State Football Coach Mike Gundy....enjoy.

Boob Tube

I bought a new tv. It's a 40 inch flat panel made by Polaroid. It's pretty awesome, except when I turn it on I have to shake it and blow on it.

Now that I have this portal to the world of broadcast, I got Direct TV. I haven't had cable for almost 4 years, and thought that I should have more than 3 channels (5 on a clear day). Now, I find myself mesmerized by the fact that I have over 200 channels and apparently feel the need to try to watch all of them.

Cinemax is one of them. I don't nessecarily watch Cinemax, as much as I just flip it over on occasion to see if I can catch a glance of boobies (I also seem to lose maturity when it comes to this subject). Here's the deal, boobs are like one of my Top 10 favorite things to look at....Top 5....Top 3.....Hell, they ARE the Top 2.

And ladies, I'm gonna let you know, the size doesn't matter. It's really more proximity. A small pair that's close to me beats a large pair far away every time.

That's Nutty.

I was looking at a can of delicious Planter's peanuts and something hit me. Mr. Peanut is not the lovable legume icon we've been led to believe.

Think about it. He's a peanut, but what does he do for a living. He endorses a company that sells peanuts for consumption. He's turned his back on his own kind just to make a quick buck. I know that top hat and monocle are supposed to make me think he's sophisticated, but they are a poor disguise. I see your true self Mr. Peanut.

But he's not alone....

Mr. Frostee....Selling your ice cream brethren. To children no less....for shame.
Mayor McCheese....I know hamburgers are tasty. I don't need you selling out your own people to get me to want one. I'm even more disgusted that the voting public keeps re-electing you, despite your treachery.

Kool-Aid Man.... You're actually a punch bowl with Kool-Aid in it. So technically you're not selling out your kind. However, you are very adamant about getting folks to drink your blood, which is just creepy. OH NOOOO! Then there's the Famous Dave's pig. Wow! Will you stop at nothing to get a spot in the lime light? I mean the other guy's just turned their backs. But your lust for fame has turned you evil. Not only are you cooking other pigs for the public, but it appears as though you may also be looking to enjoy some of those ribs. Cannibalism does not suit you pig....I just doesn't suit you.

Having said all this I would now like to proudly anounce that I have become the newest spokesperson for Nerds candy.


Sorry Brothers......

You Da' Christ!!!

Some Jehova's Witnesses left this pamphlet on my doorstep.

Now, I don't get into the "what did Jesus look like" debate. I've heard people go on as to whether he was black, white, or any other color of the rainbow. My thinking is this...Who cares? Shouldn't his teachings be the most important thing, not what he looked like? Having said this I can guarantee that he did not look like this.....

I don't know when styling gel and beard trimmers were invented, but I'm pretty sure it was after 33 A.D.

That'd Be the Sh**!

A couple weeks ago, I saw on the news that a doctor had his basement painted to look exactly like "the Horseshoe" of Ohio State. A mural painter spent months to make sure ever painstaking detail was in there.

Obviously, I don't have the money the doctor has. So I can't have an entire basement painted. However, as a staunch University of Tennessee fan, I wonder if I could afford for that guy to paint Florida's "Swamp" in the bowl of my toilet.

I can't think of a better place to lay a fresh brown trout.

Random Shower Thought #5.

If you add the words "of Death", "of Destruction", or "of Doom" to the end of any household item, it sounds like a really awesome action/horror movie from the 80's.

"Coupon of Death" starring Dolph Lundgren
"Armchair of Destruction" starring Chuck Norris
"Cheese Slicer of Doom" Co-starring Chuck Norris and Dolph Lundgren

(Try it yourselves. Just remember either Chuck Norris or Dolph Lundgren has to star in it.)

Lettuce Pray for My Soul

Yesterday, I felt as though my circulatory system was getting a little uppity and needed to be put in its place. So I tried the new Baconator(TM) at Wendy's. Two beef patties, two slices of cheese and six strips of bacon found their way down my gullet.

I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's not good to feel tired after eating a sandwich.

Why Fiddle With a Good Thing?

The other night I was at my favorite bar. A band had been playing. They had a mandolin and fiddle, so I'm sure I would have liked them had I gotten there during their set. However, I did not and to kill the silence in the room, I plunked a few quarters in juke box. That's when Mr. Fiddle decides he wants to strum along. What the F? Really?

So now rather than hearing Arrested Development sing Tennessee, I'm hearing Arrested Development sing Tennessee and what sounds like Charlie Daniels having a seizure. Then Mr. Mandolin contributes to what I can only describe as noise pollution. I wouldn't have even been that mad, but they wouldn't even stop for the flute solo in Locomotive Breath.

So thank you band members, for causing my quarters to be wasted.....at least you're not Fergie.

Here's Locomotive Breath live circa 1977.

Anti-gravity of the Situation.

So teardrop tattoos on the cheek under the eye apparently represent that the bearer has killed someone in prison. So I was think about getting an upside down teardrop above my eye, to signify that I've killed someone.....in space.

Evolution of Justice

Kate the Great has Katology on her blog. Obviously I could (as she requests) fill out my own The Kevinology, but I'm too lazy to do so. But the following question caught my attention.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?

My answer: If granted immunity, I would kill Fergie. Hell keep the money, I'll do it for free. I'm not even sure I need the immunity. Playing the "music" of Ms. Ferguson for any judge would most likely ensure my freedom.

Upon hearing this my friend B-rye suggested using her own CD as the murder weapon.

Now, I'm not sure murder is necessary. She'd probably go to hell, and they'd obviously be playing her CD on a loop, and her ego would get even bigger.

I guess shoving a broken shard of her CD into both of her ear drums (to simulate what her music does to the rest of the hearing world) would suffice.

Until that time, here's a picture of her peeing herself on stage.

Justice begins......

Tribute

Several folks are upset with WWE for their decision to air a 3 hour special celebrating the career of Chris Benoit, who was found dead of an apparent suicide, after having apparently murdering his wife and young son. In defense of World Wrestling Entertainment, it is not unprecedented to pay tribute to an apparent killer.

Here are just a few of the many shows to do so:

Overhaulin' salutes Rae Carruth
MTV Rockumetary: Marvin Gaye's Dad
BBC celebrates Jack the Ripper
The Bozo Show featuring John Wayne Gacy
Psychic Friends Network's "Zodiac Killer Variety Hour"
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Manson.
Beretta reruns
Good Eats tribute to Jeffery Dahmer
Sports Century: OJ

Addendum: In a rare serious tone for the Devil's Wind, this post is by no means, meant to make light of the tragedy surrounding the Benoit family. Instead, it is to make fun of the tasteless way Vince McMahon and the rest of WWE handled the situation. No doubt, Benoit was phenomenal at what he did, but to pay tribute to a guy who appears to have killed his wife and son is utter insanity. Next time....I don't know....air a rerun.

Games I Like to Play #3.

I've noticed that as I enjoy round after round of cold beers, I also have to urinate more frequently. So I came up with the Restroom Football. The rules are as follows.

1. The goal is to pee in the same receptacle (urinal or toilet) every time you go to the restroom. Doesn't seem that tough, huh? Try this at a crowded bar.

2. In the event that your goal toilet is taken during a trip you can call an audible. The audible means that you can use a different receptacle, however during subsequent trips you must attempt to use each and every receptacle in the restroom. Obviously larger restrooms present themselves as tougher opponents.

3. If you've gone for the audible, and it's doubtful that you'll use the restroom enough times to get to each receptacle, you can go for the Hail Mary. To accomplish this you must use each receptacle in one visit. That's right, go a little, pinch it off, go to the next one, until you've used them all (yes, I'm insane). I don't suggest the Hail Mary if there are others in the restroom, but that's totally up to you.

Restroom Football aside, test your urinal ettiquette here.

Random Shower Thought #4.

The Bat Signal wouldn't work if it's not cloudy.

Eh...I Bought It To See Barry Weintraub Anyway.

I was at Meijer the other night because a needed some milk. Alot of times after I grab what will soon my my milk, I will walk by the DVDs to peruse the newest in stock. That's when I came across this....
Comedy Club Greats!!! How could I pass this up, and for only $10? I could tell the clips would be a little older ( since Sandler hasn't done stand-up for years, and Atell actually had hair), but these guys are greats. So I get home, pour a glass of milk, and put this newly found gem in the player. So Sandler is first, and I'd forgotten that his stand-up wasn't really the greatest, but still pretty funny for the most part. Then I sit through about 9 comics I've never heard of (okay actually it's 8, because I have heard of Mark Schiff, but not during the past decade). Then we get to Dave Attell, who is one of my favorite comics. Alot of his segment was jokes of his that I'd heard before, but still good.

Then we get to Seinfeld. Awesome....or so I thought. The voice over guy says "and now Jerry Seinfeld!", and he comes to the stage tells two jokes. Then it goes to a shot of Grauman's Chinese Theater, and the voice over guy says "Well that's it for now, but be on the look out for more editions of Comedy Club Greats!"

What!?!?!? He only got through two jokes! I could tell he was planning on telling more and probably did. But I will never know, because the fine folks at Lionsgate felt it only necessary to share two Seinfeld jokes with the audience. It's always better not to feature too much of the best known comedian of the bunch on your comedy DVD. He's at the top of the damn cover! That should be some sort of hint that you should put more of him in your little presentation!!!!!!!!!

Through my rage I was able to regain focus. I went back and timed just how long Seinfeld was actually shown. One minute and thirty four seconds! I guess the 95th second would've been too much to stand. Then I looked down and saw this....
This is somewhat false advertising. Because I can tell you the laughs sure as sh** stopped after a mere 94 seconds of Seinfeld.

I guess they need to cut down the run time in order to get all 7 minutes and 11 seconds of Bob Rubin's act on the disc.

"Who's Bob Rubin?", you may ask. My answer is "EXACTLY!!!!"

I can tell you this, I will not be on the look out for more editions of Comedy Club Greats.

Why the Change?

A friend at work asked me for a dime for the coffee machine at work. All I had was a quarter, so he gave me the 15 cents that he'd already gathered (as I type this, I've just learned that the cent sign is not present on the keyboard.) Looking at the nickel, we first thought it was Canadian, but no, we have new nickels.

Well, not too new. It is a couple of years old. But did the nickel need a facelift? I mean hell it's taken me two years to notice a difference. Were there lots of nickel counterfeiters and we needed a new design? Damn you, nickel counterfeiters.

But it doesn't end there. I guess this design wasn't good enough. The nickel counterfeiters of the world were not detered for very long because the design was changed once again the next year. The NC's are quite the crafty bunch.


A little less creepy than the other extreme close-up version. But I do wonder why they asked TV's Dr. House to play Jefferson. He's a good actor and all, but couldn't the U.S. Mint hire an American to portray T.J. on our five cent piece?

They're Back!

That's right. Furniture humping super group, Peer Pressure is back. Don't be upset, but apparently the reluctant Friend 3 did come to the realization that he was not ready for fame. I do however appreciate the warning "may cause wet panties" in the opening title, because I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard.
I can't help of think of the time my sister's dog had a colon infection and kept dragging her ass on the carpet.

Ottomans: The Furniture World's Dirty Whore.

Where to start?
I guess with the back story.
Friend 1: I have a great idea.
Friends 2-3: Yeah? What's that?
Friend 1: You know how we can't get any women and end up humping furniture?
Friends 2-3: Of course!
Friend 1: Well, what if we recorded ourselves humping the ottoman, then put it on the web?
Friend 3: Why would we do that?
Friend 2: To show women what great sexual techniques we've developed.
Friend 4: This is brilliant.
Friend 5: I'm totally in.
Friend 3: I don't know this seems a bit strange, and kind of embarassing.
Friend 2: Well just remember that when hordes of ladies are banging at the door for us you'll still be furniture humpin'.
Friend 1: Don't worry, Friend 3. I'll let you have the ottoman after that.
Friend 3: (reluctantly) Okay, I'm in.
Friends 1,2,4, and 5: Hells Yeah!

and scene.

The Alford Aproach.

Me + Blog = Making Fun of Jackasses.

I probably shouldn't take pictures while driving, but this ad for Alford Motors caught my eye.

I have a couple issues with the advertising geniuses that came up with this idea.

First, I'm no expert in the field of auto sales. However, I'm pretty sure if you have a job and a down payment that does, in fact, equal a car today....anywhere. This formula is not exclusive to Alford Motors. I don't quite get the emphasis on "today", either. Again, I'm no expert, but I don't think other dealerships are subject to a waiting period.

I think you should just be honest in your ad and make your slogan, "Alford Motors: We Have Nothing to Brag About!!!!"

How about "Alford Motors: Need for More Business + Lack of Advertising Talents = This Ad."

These are just suggestions.

The second issue I have is this. It's on the outside of the bus. The majority of the people who see it will be driving, so they already have a car. Put the ad inside the bus. Those folks probably need a car. Not to mention they may not know the whole down pamement plus job equation. Maybe that's why they're on the bus.

I would also like to add that today I saw a car broken down on the side of the road with an Alford plate on the front. The temporary tag on the back tells me the car was recently purchased. So maybe, "Alford Motors: You Giving Us Money + Us Giving You Car = Deep Regret Tomorrow."

I'm Not Going to Shiver Your Timber.

I was recently reminded of this story. I thought I'd share it with y'all.

About two years ago I went to a local tavern and grill to share some drinks with friends. Actually, we each had our own drink, so we didn't really share. Anyway, at some point during the evening I noticed a guy near the bar that looked like a pirate. I mean this cat had long red hair in a pony tail, a fu manchu mustache, and (the topper) he was wearing a puffy white shirt. Now, I don't know if his swashbuckley look was intentional, but it was dead on. I pointed the dude out to some friends and commented that if I were to make a movie about pirates, I would cast this fella for authenticity sake.

As the night moved forward, I felt the need to make water. As I made my way through the crowd I was abruptly stopped by what I thought was a bunch of bananas to the chest. I looked and it was actually a giant pirate hand. At least it wasn't a hook. The following is the exchange that took place.

Pirate: Do you wanna go home and have sex?
Me: Yes, but not with you, amigo.

As I walked away, Gay Pirate (aka GP) yelled "I saw you lookin!"

At this point I had two options. A) Turn around and point out that, while I was looking, it was due to his freebooter-like appearance, nothing else...or B) Ignore it and go to the restroom.

I chose the latter.

Unfortunately, the rest of the evening, anytime I went to the restroom I had to look over my shoulder to make sure GP didn't sneak up behind me and try to "walk my plank".

Random Shower Thought #3.

How does that whole "born again virgin" thing work?

I hope it doesn't reset automatically if you haven't gotten any in a while. Man, it took me 19 years to get rid of it the first time.

Random Shower Thought #2.

Did I wash my hair already? Oh well, even if I did, the bottle says repeat.

Random Shower Thought.

Are there pig farms in the Middle East? If so...why?

I Hear Marmaduke's Doing Lemonade Commercials.

As I've mentioned before, I like Kool-Aid. So the other day as I was perusing the powdered drink aisle at my local grocer (aka. Meijer), I noticed that the Meijer brand is being endorsed by everyone's favorite comic strip cat. Of course, I had to stop to see what he had to say.


Oh man! Classic Garfield. You've taken that old saying and replaced the word bowl with the word drink. You are one clever cat.

Dear sweet Jesus!!! This one took me a little bit to get, but then I realized that grape had replaced great. Pure comedy genius! You are one funny feline.


Ummm. Ok...I guess you replaced the word orange with orange. Maybe, you replaced fruit with color. I gotta be honest, Garf, this is not your best joke. This next one's gonna be killer. I just know it.


What? "Your best friends are strawberries"? That doesn't make sense. You've not only passed on saying "this should be 'berry' good", or even "I can't wait to put my straw in this" (feel free to take notes, Garfield). You want me to believe that you have somehow gotten this inanimate piece of fruit to befriend you? I have lost all respect for you.

I hate you.

I'm a Survivor

I have made it through the first two rounds of the NCAA Tourney and St. Patrick's Day, and I've learned some things.

1. Three days of power drinking is still as fun as it was in college.
2. It's much harder to recover from, than it was in college.
3. Nothing soaks up a hangover better that greasy food. Thank you Long John Silver.
4. Not only can I take a punch, I can take a book to the face the very next day.
5. Bruce Pearl is awesome. Actually I already knew that.

I'm Back....and Happy!

"You haven't posted in a while", you said. "Mind your own damned business", I responded. But now I'm back.

Also I'm super excited about this weekend. "Why?" you may ask, and I will tell you.

1. I've got 5, count 'em 5, days off.

2. Saturday is St. Patty's day. I enjoy beer with food coloring in it, makes it like a magical potion.

and the 3rd reason.....March Madness is here. So during my 5 days off I will watch so much basketball that I may go crazy, and drink so much beer during that time that I will in fact...um...go crazy.

So who am I cheering for? Tennessee is the obvious choice, but I also have to admit that I am also pulling for Miami of Ohio.

"Why?" you may ask. "You're awfully damned nosy aren't you?" I reply. But I'll tell you anyway. Coach Charlie Coles is insane. I'm not talking "really into the game" insane. I mean full blown "naked in the front yard" kind of insane. I'm not going to lie....he scares me, but darn it if I can't get enough.

Why Did He Call Me a Bundle of Sticks?

Last week NBA player John Amaechi announced that he is gay. I think alot of people were shocked. I couldn't believe it......John Amaechi played in the NBA? Who knew?

As I'm sure you all know, right in the middle of this story is former player Tim Hardaway. After his controversial comments on homosexuality, alot of people have come down on him. Tim stopped by Devil's Wind to defend his comments. Here's that interview.

Kevin: Thanks for stopping by. Can I get you something to drink? Milk, ginger ale, sweet tea?

Tim Hardaway: You comin' on to me? You know I don't do that.

K: No, just thought you might like something to drink. Have a seat.

TH: No way. Sitting down is for gays. I don't let nothing touch my butt.

K: Ok, stand then....Let's get started. You said you hate gay people, and alot of people took offense. But, how do you feel about other people?

TH: Such as?

K: Heterosexuals.

TH: No man. I hate heterosexuals. I am a heterophobe. I don't go near straight people. I keep my distance.

K: Well, then what about your wife?

TH: No man. I hate my wife. I am a wife-a-phobe. I don't go near her. I keep my distance.

K: Ok....strange. How about children?

TH: No man. I hate children. I am a child-o-phobe. I don't go near kids. I keep my distance.

K: You hate kids? What about your own children?

TH: No man. I hate my children. I am a my children-o-phobe. I don't go near my kids. I keep my distance.

K: WHAT??? But surely the first time you held your kids, you felt some love for them.

TH: No man. I ain't never touched my kids. Touching kids is what pedophiles do. I ain't know pedophile.

K: What about when your mom held you as a baby?

TH: My mom ain't a pedophile. She never held me.

K: Explains alot. Ok...how about animals?

TH: No man. I hate animals. I am an animal-o-phobe. I don't go near animals. I keep my distance.

K: Plants?

TH: No man. I hate plants. I am a plant-o-phobe. I don't go near plants. I keep my distance.

K: Ok, I guess you hate everyone and everything. Is there anything you don't hate?

TH: Gummi worms.

Name Game

So, not only am I too lazy to post, I'm also a dirty thief. I saw this on my pal Kate's blog, I liked it and I stole it. I make no bones about it.

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Kevin Todd K.........

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.)Kevizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:(fav color and fav animal)Green Monkey

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, and current street)Todd Vista

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)Kuyke

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:(Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink).Blue Sweet Tea (if it's supposed to be an adult beverage) Blue Coors Light

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name)Eyoiaje

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(parents middle names) James Carlene

9. YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)Black Blacky

I think mine is broken, Kate's was better. Although I do like the "Green Monkey".

All You Need Is Stubb's

One Meijer Brand frozen pizza...
.....ehhh.



One Meijer Brand frozen pizza with Stubbs BBQ sauce..... ...EXCELLENT!!!!

And to you Mr. C.B. Stubblefield.... ....Thank you, sir.

A Cautionary Tale

Is it just me or are people just gettin dumber? The other day I saw the following warning on the lid of a Rubbermaid tub.


Does this need to be here? Of course this is a bad idea. You'll never get the lid on, if the kid's sitting up. Maybe put a pillow in there to get the rugrat to lay down.

I Need Another Fix, Mom.

When I went to Tennesse a couple weekends ago, my mom sent a jar of salsa that she'd made back with me. I stuck it in the fridge and almost forgot about it. Then a few days ago, I opened it. It was awesome. In fact, I couldn't stop eating it. I couldn't even stop dipping chips long enough to go get a bowl. I probably wouldn't have gotten a bowl but the salsa level dropped below that which would allow easy chip access. Last night I finished the last of the jar (two days after having opened it). After I poured the last drops into a bowl, I contemplated a means of which I could get what was left along the sides of the jar (perhaps upside down on a plate and wait for gravity to do its job).

I'm seriously addicted. I'm so cold. I gotta get my hands on some more.

Oddly when I asked my mom to send another jar, she told me "the first taste is free, you gotsta pay to keep it goin'." I think she's been watching the Snoop Dogg.

May Your Year Be Happy.....and Gay.

Here it is. A new year. Feels kinda like last year thus far. But, it did start on a humorous note (well, at least my friends haven't stopped laughing). Last night, a couple friends and I went to our regular watering hole to celebrate the one second that is the holiday of New Years Eve. While there, my friend Kristan took it upon herself to try to find me a lady. That's when she introduced me to a girl named Virginia. As we were talking Kristan excused herself (she's good at wingman). Not long after that, I was thrown for a loop. Let me try to recreate the moment....

Me: You said you know Spanish. Are you fluent?
Virginia: Yeah, my dad is from Mexico, so I grew up learning Spanish and English.
M: That's gotta be kinda cool.
V: Are you gay?
M: What? No! .....What?
V: You don't look gay, but nowadays you have to ask.
M: I don't really think you do.
V: I'm sorry. I should probably go find my friends.
M: That'd probably be best.

So I learned a couple things:
1. Nothing stops a conversation quicker than questioning a heterosexual man's sexuality.
2. I can't wear the sweater that my sister got me for Christmas out in public again.

What Else Would I Be Thinking?

Yesterday, I was sitting with some friends, and one noticed that I was being rather quiet (not typical me). My mind had wandered from the conversation, and I was simply thinking to myself. I was asked, "what're you thinking about?"

The answer is simple.

Monkeys.

If I Could Be King....of Music.

I apologize for the time since the last post. I recently bought the 5th season of 24 on dvd. They should put a Surgeon General's warning on those things, 'cuz they's addictive. I also spent the last two days the the land of the Orange and White for Christmas.

As I was driving back this evening (listening to the radio, since I forgot my cd's), I came to the realization. As I passed Clay's Ferry (that one's for you Deener), I decided that rules need to be established for the world of music to keep the suckiness from continuing.

1. Fergie, I'm gonna have to issue a cease and desist immediately. Take the money you got with this last album and buy some talent. I can't understand how you have a career. At least most crappy female "artists" are at least attractive. I'll admit your body is smokin', but you have the face of a Gorgon. I dare not look your way, for fear of turning to stone.
2. Gwen Stefani, I will allow you to continue performing with a couple stipulations. You may only peform with No Doubt, and only songs preceding "Hey Baby, Hey Baby, Hey". This may seem harsh, buy you've been given a chance to experiment with your sound, and we can all see that was a mistake. If given the choice of listening to your latest album or gouging my own brain with a screwdriver, the only decision to make is phillips of flathead.
3. Jay-Z, you've retired at the top of your game and returned. You are officially the Michael Jordan of the music biz. But, unlike MJ, you are not allowed to retire again. In fact, I'm gonna need you to put out at least one album a year for the rest of your life. Once you die, I'm gonna need you to Tupac it.
4. Ludacris, you are the only hip hop artist that consistently puts out good music (I discount Jay-Z because of the retirement). Keep up the good work, man.
5. Contemporary Country Musicians, having listened to songs by many of you, I feel ill. Your music is neither country, nor western. I hereby assign you all to watch CMT's Dirty Dozen: Country Music's Top 12 Outlaws, after which, I am requiring you to listen to an album by each of them. Toby Keith and Gretchen Wilson, you are exempt from this assignment.
6. Commonwealth of Kentucky, there is a stretch of I-75 between Lexington and Knoxville where I was in neither market. No big deal except the only thing on the radio was country (see above rule to understand why this is a problem), or talk radio. I am hereby going to require you to provide a station that plays only Skynyrd, Pearl Jam, and AC/DC on a loop. That should get me through that stretch.
7. People in the car next to me, I know Elton John is gay. That does not, however, mean that if I am singing along to a classic Elton song, that I am gay. Screw you for judging. In fact, I'm adding Elton John to the list that will be played in rule 6. Unless, of course, the song is "Candle in the Wind", that song is gay.
8. Last, but not least, Fergie, I know I've already addressed you, but damn you suck. Your "London Bridge" is of no concern to me, I have no idea what "keeping the boys on rock, rock" means, and (while I appreciate your concern for breast cancer awareness) I do not want to hear about your "Lady lumps". Your "music" is the equivalent of shoving horse feces into my ear canals.

I'll be watching you all.

I Just Want To Be Soothed.

I've been dealing with a small cold as of late. Nothing bad, just congestion in the mornings and a few uncontrolable coughing fits. Unfortunately, the congestion led to today's adventure.

Because I could barely breathe through my nose, I slept most of the evening with my mouth open. This lead to my lips being extremely dry and chapped this morning... Still reading? Let's continue. So now it feels like tiny demons are clawing into my lips. So I figured while I was out I'd stop at the grocery store to find some sort of treatment. Luckily, Meijer has an entire "Lip Therapy" section. Who knew? I was going to just buy some chap stick, but I thought that might just be preventative. If only I'd had it last night. But plenty of other options. The problem then became the names. Blistex....hmmm, I don't have a blister. Herpecin....not even touching that one. Then my eyes fell on Carmex, seems innocent enough. I read the back for uses, and while cold sores and blister were listed, soothing dry and chapped lips is as well. I have dry and chapped lips, and I want them soothed. Perfect.

So I grab the Carmex, and go get a can of Kool-Aid mix (that's right, I'm a child). It wasn't until I was looking for a check-out lane that something caught my eye. Somehow, I'd missed in large lettering on the actual container "FOR COLD SORES". That's right, all caps as well. Just wanting to get out of there, I figured I'd find the shortest line and get it over with quick. Aisle 8, just two people together, not too many objects in their cart, Perfect!

Unbenounced to me, this couple apparently hadn't been shopping any time within the last 30 years. They apparently didn't understand what the big conveyor belt leading to the register was for, because they opted to hand each item individually to the cashier. They, also, apparently just see items they desire and throw them in the buggy. I can only assume this, because they felt the need to check the price of each item before handing it to the cashier. Meanwhile I'm standing there feeling the judging eyes of everyone who is accumulating behind me, as they gaze at the now stationary conveyor belt which is where my "don't kiss stripper" balm is lying. Finally they finish, pay and move forward. The cashier scans my Carmex and Kool-Aid, however when I move to swipe my card, guess who has yet to move entirely from the aisle and is blocking the card swipe machine. That's right, Mr. and Mrs. 1934. I politely say "excuse me", and Mrs. 1934 glances over her shoulder, rolls her eyes, and reluctantly takes all of the two steps it took to not impede the completion of my transaction.

I step out of the store. Ahhh, freedom. Better get in the truck, before judging eyes get out here. I get in the truck and open the balm to finally soothe my cracked and painful lips. Dammit! Now I remember why I didn't put chapstick on in the first place. It feels like I've just gone to McDonalds and asked the cook to rub a freshly fried burger patty on my lips. Seriously, now all I can think about is how greasy my lips feel. Ladies, I don't know if this is what lipstick feels like, but if it is, don't feel you have to where lipstick to impress me anymore. It would explain why you all blot so much.

There is an upside to the entire thing. I've learned that rasberry lemonade flavored Kool-Aid rocks. Silver lining.

At Least She's Not Knocked Up!

I spent the past weekend in Tennessee with the family. It was good to go home. However, my father was a little more affectionate than normal. Usually, he's not a big hugger, nor does he express his feelings that often. I learned from the best. But this weekend, he was different. Perhaps it's having all the kids back in the house, but as my older sister an niece were about to leave, he wanted a group hug. This was a bit unnerving, since the last time he wanted a group hug was 20 years ago, and it was to announce that mom was pregnant.

In this holiday season and time of thanksgiving, I have realized that I am extremely grateful that my parents locked their bedroom door on Friday nights (it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what was going on in there). They saved me years of potential therapy bills.

Well, Mom is NOT pregnant, and I look forward to the next group hug in 2026.

Digest of Ohio Motor Vehicle Laws.

Yesterday, I went to get my Ohio license plates, and get an Ohio driver's license (previously I lived on the Kentucky side of the river.) While there was some red tape with the tags, I was pleasantly surprised by how easily it went (Kentucky was a pain). But the experience was not entirely hassle-free. When I moved to Kentucky from Tennessee, the only thing I had to do was show a valid TN driver's license and they took my picture and gave me lovely new Kentucky license. Here on the Ohio side, you have to show a valid license, then take a written test. Seriously Ohio, do you really think your drivers' skills are that much more superior to other states? Have you seen your drivers' skills?

So I'm flipping through the handbook, just making sure I'm clear on the vastly different driving laws and rules of Ohio. I noticed there is not a single mention of the proper way to merge. Having lived here for three and a half years, this actually comes as no surprise.

So since it's not covered in your driver's handbook, I am providing a merging pop quiz. This is really just for Ohioans, but anyone can participate.

Question 1: When entering a roadway via on-ramp should you?
a. Accelerate to the speed of the traffic you are joining and safely merge when adequate room is available.
b. Use your turn signal to indicate your intention. Merge when adequate room is available.
c. Stop at the end of the ramp. Wait until 27 car lengths are available, merge comfortably.

Question 2: When another driver is trying to merge from an on-ramp, you should?
a. Try to change lanes, allowing ample space for a merger.
b. Decellerate so that the other driver is able to merge.
c. Travel at the same speed as the merging driver, forcing them to the shoulder, because you shouldn't have to be bothered.

Question 3: A driver in another lane is signalling that he/she needs to change to your lane, you should?
a. Slow down and allow them into your lane.
b. Accelerate to get out of their way, so that they can merge into your lane.
c. Travel at the same speed, forcing them to miss their exit or turn, after all it is your lane.

If you answered C to every question, you are suited to drive in Cincinnati. If you answered anything other than C, you should probably live anywhere else.

Ol' McDonald Had a Farm....for Dinner.

Those of you who read regularly (all both of you), know my disdain for the KFC Famous Bowl. It's just a step shy of a trough. However, this doesn't mean I don't have a weakness for food combos that might not be the healthiest. I feel I should share some of the more recent impending heart attacks, simply because I think they're funny.

1. The Colossal - This simple and delicious sandwich was devised by my friend Mike D and I. Making one is easy. Go to Wendy's. Order a spicy chicken sandwich. Also, order a junior bacon cheeseburger. Remove chicken from it's bun, put it in with JBC. You have a Colossal. The beauty of this bad boy is it's cheap, but more importantly, you get three animals at once. Too bad Wendy's doesn't have a fish sandich.

2. The Kitchen Sink - This is actually a menu item, but it is devilishly brilliant. I had one at a place called Ted's Wildlife Grille (the chain is owned by Ted Turner) in Columbus, OH. This burger consists of a Bison burger, bacon, ham, mushrooms, onions, cheese, and, as if that wasn't enough to stop a elephant's heart, one fried egg. Awesome. Still just three different animals, technically, but you do get two pigs. Plus the egg is sunnyside-up, so it drips down the sides. The shot of pure adrenaline used to restart my heart afterward was rather invigorating.

3. My Barnyard Chili - All you Cincinnati natives will cringe, because my chili doesn't have chocolate in it. That's right, I make actual chili. It consists of three types of beans, three types of onions, two types of chili powder, and as many different animals as I can get in there. To date, the most I have gotten in is five (steak, chicken, bacon, turkey, lamb). It's like putting an entire farm in the pot. What's that Charlotte? No, Wilbur and the others won't be back.

I expect some of you are probably disgusted. Those of you thinking, "that don't sound half bad," you'll be invited to join me next time I make chili. It'll be 6 months from now. I've gotta let my heart heal.

That's What Happens When You Leave Cotton Candy Out...

It's been a while since my last post. Sorry, quite a bit going on lately. However, I will conclude my London memoirs with my return home.

Upon opening my apartment door, I was greeted by a floor full of balloons.



Having been travelling nearly 20 hours trying to return to my home sweet home,my mind was not fully functioning. I forgot that my birthday had passed and perhaps this was my friends' way of welcoming me back. I, instead, went directly upstairs, and called the exterminator. This was our conversation:

Exterminator: What seems to be the problem.
Me: I have clowns.
E: You have what?
Me: Clowns! I haven't actually seen one, yet. But their droppings are everywhere.

....and scene.