Thursday, August 19, 2010

Web Master

I think my wife is an absolutely amazing woman. She is great at so many things, however there are a couple things that she is horrible at:

1. Not jumping on the coffee table, when she sees a spider.
2. Realizing that, if it wanted to get to her, the spider could climb the table.

Last night, as I was getting ready for work, she came across a few spiders. Despite not being fond of them myself, I have come to the realization that it is my job to take care of arachnid disposal.

As I removed the intruders from our home, my wife looked at me from atop the table and said, "That's why I love you, you kill bugs for me."

Me: That's why?
Wife: And you open jars for me. Oh, and cuz' you love me so much.
Me: In that order? Kill bugs, open jars, pledge my undying love?
Wife: Yup.
Me: Good to know.

(small pause)

Wife: Plus you're cute. So, ya know, I got something to look at while you kill bugs and open them jars.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Plot To Trot

I guess it's true. There are no original ideas in Hollywood. I mean you can call it "Losing It with Jillian Michaels", but we all know it's just a remake of Mr. Ed.

A talking horse is a talking horse.... of course.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Hate Ashbury

For our honeymoon, the Wife and I ventured out to San Francisco. Despite her catching a cold on the way out, we have several wonderful memories of our visit. This is not one of them.

On the second day, we took a "hop-on, hop-off" tour bus. We hopped off at a few locations, one of which was the Haight-Ashbury district.

The bus rolled up Haight street. I was so excited. As a teen, I was a bit of a hippie (as much of a hippie as one can be in Athens, Tennessee, and without drugs...or sex). I love the music that was born out of that area in the late 60's. Reading about the Haight, I could only imagine how cool it must've been to live there. At some point, perhaps around the time I began earning a living, I began losing my tolerance of the hippie kind (though I still dig their music).

The bus drove right past the intersection of Haight and Ashbury. It stopped at the end of Haight, several blocks away. I didn't mind so much. In one of the Wife's guide books, I had found a walking tour of several locations of importance, so that was something we could do. First and foremost, though, I wanted a picture at Haight and Ashbury.

Haight street is nothing like what I had imagined. Despite what made the area famous, it has become very corporate. I guess anything that draws tourists will draw commercialism. It's mostly stores like Gap and Stussy. But it still draws hippies....dirty, dirty hippies. Perhaps the spirit of illicit drug use that still persists got to my wife, as she felt the need to take a Dayquil LiquiCap right there on the street.

Here's a little game that I came up with to play with the wife. "Hobo or Hippie?" The game is simple. Spot a filthy person on the street and determine whether that person is a hobo or a hippie. It's not as easy as you may think. Both groups generally avoid bathing. Both will beg you for money. One of the few ways to tell is that hobos may show some shame while begging.

After, walking several blocks, being pan handled and bothered by hippie after hippie (or hobo after hobo, I'm still not completely sure) I was growing weary of them. By the time we reached the intersection, my beautiful bride and I had grown so annoyed with the swarms of the wretched beings that we just took the damn picture and made our way back before the love of the Grateful Dead could be suck entirely from my body.

As we got back to Golden Gate park, a girl looked up at my wife and asked, "You got any ganja?" The Wife replied, "Nope. I have a job, instead." Man, I love her.

I'm still not sure why homeless people would come here. Hippies don't have any extra money to give you, and people with money to give you will probably just think you're a damn hippie.

What a disappointment. I do however find it ironic that a place born as a counterculture has become a corporate hole. Also ironic is how a group of people believing in peace and love has evolved into a bunch of people that I just want to punch in the head.

I Did

From this point forward, the Bride-t0-Be will be known as the Wife. This will be in effect, until such time as she is known as the Widow (I will have to haunt someone to have them update you all).

After several months of planning, the wedding is over, and we are back from honeymooning. Man, it was exhausting to hear the Wife talk about all the hard work she put into the plans.