Monday, September 25, 2006

Games I Like To Play. Pt. 2

So I took a week off from the blog. After Tennessee fell to Florida, I needed some time to wallow in depression. But I'm back, and I have another game to tell you about. I call it "2word".

Here's how to play. Much like my first game, this one takes place when found in a one sided conversation. Only one rule. Every time the person finishes a sentence simply say the last two words of that sentence.

What's that? You would like an example. Sure.

Jabber Jaws: So I was at the store the other day.
Me: other day
JJ: I was going to get some milk.
Me: some milk.
JJ: And guess who I ran into.
Me: Ran Into? (ever so often say the two words as a question)
JJ: Roger...who I went to high school with!
Me: School With!

and so on....It seems dumb, but it is a fun way to add excitement to and otherwise dull situation. Take it, play it, enjoy it.

Friday, September 15, 2006

True English

My friend Deener moved to London for grad. school. I'll miss her, but I'm more worried that those dirty Brits will try to change her. Sure they seem charming, what with their goofy talk and all. But there are some things we should all be aware of, so that we aren't duped by those Shepard's Pie eatin' bastards.....

*Sweet Iced Tea is better than Hot Earl Grey

*Burger and Fries beats Fish and Chips every time

*English Muffin Vs. Our Muffins..

*America is the home of Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Jim Brown, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods, Larry Bird, Muhammad Ali and hundreds of other top athletes (too many to name). England is the home of David Beckham and a couple of figure skaters.

*The British think that all Americans are rebel cowboys. They do not however realize that we don't consider that an insult.

*America gave the world Lynyrd Skynyrd. England gave the world the Spice Girls.

*Hooker that Charlie Sheen went to...

Hooker that Hugh Grant went to....
So there we have it. Sure England may be a nice place to visit. But I think we can all agree that the USA is clearly better.

Deener, I hope you're reading.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

KFC: The Next Generation.

The KFC Famous Bowls have been going strong for a few months now (you should've known this, seeing as they are "famous"). Potatoes, chicken, corn, gravy, and cheese made convenient and portable by placing them all in the same vessel. No more excessive use of your fork by having to pick each item up seperately. Perhaps if they put it in a blender, I wouldn't have to waste valuable energy chewing.

All this said, I have a sneak preview of KFC's newest menu item.
And I'll let you in on their new slogan: "Why waste bowls? Saddle up to the trough, Fatty!"

I think this will be a huge success.

Monday, September 11, 2006


I would post something about the OSU/UT game on Saturday, but I'm really busy eating all of this crow.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I'm Not Alone.

Ronnie James Dio is cheering for the Longhorns.... is KISS...

...Mr. Vernon...


...cartoon John Lennon...

Dr. Strange is a fan....

...and who can argue with Spiderman?

What Can I Say? Texas Rocks!!!!

Don't get me wrong, Tennessee is my team. I am in no way saying any football team has my favor over them. But tonight the biggest game is OSU v. Texas. I'm rootin' for the 'Horns. For several reasons.

#1. I hate Ohio State. Almost as much as I hate Michigan. It's close. When they play each other I hope for some way that they can both lose. I've been searching the rule books to see if that's luck yet.

#2. Texas is a southern state. I gotsta stay true to the South.

#3. Texas' colors are orange and white. Maybe not the God given shade of orange of Tennessee, but orange just the same.

#4. Texas is a UT. Not THE UT (Tennessee), but it's not that big a stretch for me to shout, "LET'S GO UT!!!!"

TEXAS ROCKS!! How can you not support a team that utilizes the rock hand??? I do this all the time, and not in support of Texas. But if I get to hold up the rock, and cheer for a team at the same time, I'm in.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Games's I Like to Play. Pt. 1

I like a good conversation. I, however, do not like one sided conversations. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to a certain point. After you've gone into minute 5 of your diatribe, I realize I'm not getting a word in edgewise. That's when I like to play a game that I like to call "Yeah, Uh Huh, Okay."

Here are the rules:

Upon finding yourself in a one-sided conversation, you then begin to respond by rotating the phrases "Yeah", "Uh Huh", and "Okay".

Your score is determined by how many times you get through the three responses.

After 5 rounds, you are allowed to add "Really?".

Take it, play it, love it.

I got a score of 7 this evening, without the person talking ever knowing.

The Haunting.

My neighbor in the apartment below me is trying to convince me that the house we live in is haunted. I don't really believe such things but....

My doorbell was going off on a regular basis. When going to my door, there was nobody to be found. I unplugged it and thought nothing of it. Until today.... not having electricity to the doorbell, as I showered today, the smoke alarm went off. I checked the entire house (my apartment, neighbor's apartment, and basement). No fire, no smoke.

Now I'm worried that I may have a ghost.

I don't tend to worry about my lodging decisions. Hell, my last apartment was across the street from the projects, and I'd hear thugs and wannabe gangbangers playing basketball and shouting for no reason into the weeee hours of the morning.

It didn't really bother me that the thugs might've had guns....but the ghost doesn't need a ladder to get into my apartment.

Olive Oyl Would Be So Disapppointed.

This was the bowl of "Jambalaya" that I recently received at Popeye's. I was promised by the menu that there were succulent pieces of chicken and sausage in this dish. I ask you, show me one piece of anything other than rice.

This was the sign in the corner.

It should read....

"Everything at Popeye's has BIG FLAVOR
(Jambalaya not included)"

The only flavor I got was was not very big.

Kicking (and Screaming) 2

I realized how big of a nicotine whore I really am. I'm only on smoke free day five, but I just got home from a local watering hole. Now, pride will not allow me to ask my smoking friends for a cig. However, apparently upon going to the restroom and finding myself alone, I am not above checking the pack on the floor to see if there might be one in there......I hang my head in shame.

p.s....even if there had been a cigarette in there, I would not have smoked a cig off of the bathroom floor......perhaps

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Kicking (and Screaming) the Habit.

I recently gave up smoking. I've decided to go cold turkey. Don't applaud just yet, it's only been 4 days. In recent years, I've really only wanted to smoke while drinking. So I've decided that while drinking, I would chew on toothpicks instead. It's helped except for one thing.

I don't know how long it would have taken to get cancer or emphysema (if I would have gotten them at all). But I do know it only took 37 minutes for me to get a splinter in my tongue.

The blessing is that the experience has inspired me to start my own buisness. The anger and crankiness from giving up the smokes, has given me the motivation to go into murder for hire. Is there someone you want dead? Be it for money, revenge, sheer hatred, or any other reason, I will gladly send that person to meet their maker (for a nominal fee). This will be a good move for me....It's about time murder stopped being just a hobby.

I Wanna Break Somthing!!

A friend of mine came over this evening to drink beer and destroy buildings. Seeing as we are both mere mortals, we decided to do the latter virtually. Luckily I own the classic "RAMPAGE".
I can remember many a summer day down at the ol' arcade plunking quarter after quarter into this game. Now I can play endlessly on my PlayStation.
Curious to see how it ended (a feat neither of us had accomplished), we set forth on our quest to reach the end.
After 110 rounds, going from city to city, it DOESN'T end. It just randomly takes you to cities you've already destroyed......DAMMIT!!! It took us 2 hours to get to this point, and we get no closure.

We probably should've just gotten drunk and started punching buildings.

Monday, September 04, 2006

So That's Where Reporters Come From.....

Last night I shot Labor Day fireworks in Cincinnati. Just before going live at 11 o'clock, as I was setting up my camera, the following coversation occurred.

Random Guy: Can I be on TV?

Me: Not this time.

RG: Please. My girlfriend and I want to report. How do we get to do that.

Me: I don't know. Send a resume to the station.

RG: But we want to be reporters tonight. Can't you just point the camera at us and let us talk?

Me: I'm afraid they won't let me do that...................anymore

Brief History Lesson #1: Prior to 1998, all tv news personalities got there start in television as drunk people at events that just asked a photographer to point a camera at them. Now you know.