Wednesday, November 29, 2006

At Least She's Not Knocked Up!

I spent the past weekend in Tennessee with the family. It was good to go home. However, my father was a little more affectionate than normal. Usually, he's not a big hugger, nor does he express his feelings that often. I learned from the best. But this weekend, he was different. Perhaps it's having all the kids back in the house, but as my older sister an niece were about to leave, he wanted a group hug. This was a bit unnerving, since the last time he wanted a group hug was 20 years ago, and it was to announce that mom was pregnant.

In this holiday season and time of thanksgiving, I have realized that I am extremely grateful that my parents locked their bedroom door on Friday nights (it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what was going on in there). They saved me years of potential therapy bills.

Well, Mom is NOT pregnant, and I look forward to the next group hug in 2026.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Digest of Ohio Motor Vehicle Laws.

Yesterday, I went to get my Ohio license plates, and get an Ohio driver's license (previously I lived on the Kentucky side of the river.) While there was some red tape with the tags, I was pleasantly surprised by how easily it went (Kentucky was a pain). But the experience was not entirely hassle-free. When I moved to Kentucky from Tennessee, the only thing I had to do was show a valid TN driver's license and they took my picture and gave me lovely new Kentucky license. Here on the Ohio side, you have to show a valid license, then take a written test. Seriously Ohio, do you really think your drivers' skills are that much more superior to other states? Have you seen your drivers' skills?

So I'm flipping through the handbook, just making sure I'm clear on the vastly different driving laws and rules of Ohio. I noticed there is not a single mention of the proper way to merge. Having lived here for three and a half years, this actually comes as no surprise.

So since it's not covered in your driver's handbook, I am providing a merging pop quiz. This is really just for Ohioans, but anyone can participate.

Question 1: When entering a roadway via on-ramp should you?
a. Accelerate to the speed of the traffic you are joining and safely merge when adequate room is available.
b. Use your turn signal to indicate your intention. Merge when adequate room is available.
c. Stop at the end of the ramp. Wait until 27 car lengths are available, merge comfortably.

Question 2: When another driver is trying to merge from an on-ramp, you should?
a. Try to change lanes, allowing ample space for a merger.
b. Decellerate so that the other driver is able to merge.
c. Travel at the same speed as the merging driver, forcing them to the shoulder, because you shouldn't have to be bothered.

Question 3: A driver in another lane is signalling that he/she needs to change to your lane, you should?
a. Slow down and allow them into your lane.
b. Accelerate to get out of their way, so that they can merge into your lane.
c. Travel at the same speed, forcing them to miss their exit or turn, after all it is your lane.

If you answered C to every question, you are suited to drive in Cincinnati. If you answered anything other than C, you should probably live anywhere else.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Ol' McDonald Had a Farm....for Dinner.

Those of you who read regularly (all both of you), know my disdain for the KFC Famous Bowl. It's just a step shy of a trough. However, this doesn't mean I don't have a weakness for food combos that might not be the healthiest. I feel I should share some of the more recent impending heart attacks, simply because I think they're funny.

1. The Colossal - This simple and delicious sandwich was devised by my friend Mike D and I. Making one is easy. Go to Wendy's. Order a spicy chicken sandwich. Also, order a junior bacon cheeseburger. Remove chicken from it's bun, put it in with JBC. You have a Colossal. The beauty of this bad boy is it's cheap, but more importantly, you get three animals at once. Too bad Wendy's doesn't have a fish sandich.

2. The Kitchen Sink - This is actually a menu item, but it is devilishly brilliant. I had one at a place called Ted's Wildlife Grille (the chain is owned by Ted Turner) in Columbus, OH. This burger consists of a Bison burger, bacon, ham, mushrooms, onions, cheese, and, as if that wasn't enough to stop a elephant's heart, one fried egg. Awesome. Still just three different animals, technically, but you do get two pigs. Plus the egg is sunnyside-up, so it drips down the sides. The shot of pure adrenaline used to restart my heart afterward was rather invigorating.

3. My Barnyard Chili - All you Cincinnati natives will cringe, because my chili doesn't have chocolate in it. That's right, I make actual chili. It consists of three types of beans, three types of onions, two types of chili powder, and as many different animals as I can get in there. To date, the most I have gotten in is five (steak, chicken, bacon, turkey, lamb). It's like putting an entire farm in the pot. What's that Charlotte? No, Wilbur and the others won't be back.

I expect some of you are probably disgusted. Those of you thinking, "that don't sound half bad," you'll be invited to join me next time I make chili. It'll be 6 months from now. I've gotta let my heart heal.

That's What Happens When You Leave Cotton Candy Out...

It's been a while since my last post. Sorry, quite a bit going on lately. However, I will conclude my London memoirs with my return home.

Upon opening my apartment door, I was greeted by a floor full of balloons.

Having been travelling nearly 20 hours trying to return to my home sweet home,my mind was not fully functioning. I forgot that my birthday had passed and perhaps this was my friends' way of welcoming me back. I, instead, went directly upstairs, and called the exterminator. This was our conversation:

Exterminator: What seems to be the problem.
Me: I have clowns.
E: You have what?
Me: Clowns! I haven't actually seen one, yet. But their droppings are everywhere.

....and scene.