Sunday, January 25, 2009

Internet Revelation

I guess is a great site, if you're looking for a new job. But, if you're a grown man that wants to look at pictures of monters, it is horribly disappointing.

History Before Our Eyes.

This post is a few days late. But, given the importance of recent events, I feel it is necessary.

This past week, the world saw history. There are many people that thought they would never see such a day. I must admit that I myself never thought that, in my lifetime, I would see the day when Mickey Rourke was nominated for an Academy Award. I think that bears repeating...


Friday, January 23, 2009

...Or Get Off The Pot.

I've regaled you all with the story of attempted porn sales at the local watering hole. Well last night was not that exciting, but still strange.

I was sitting at the bar with a friend, enjoying an ice cold Coors Light, when a rather large individual sat a couple stools down from me. After what I have been told were strange conversations he had with some of the other bar patrons, he zeroed in on me. The following ensued:

Large Guy: Do I know you?
Me: I don't think so. I'm Kevin.
LG: Where did you grow up? (I'd like to point out that a normal introduction would involve him telling me his name. This conversation, however, was anything but normal.)
Me: Tennessee.
LG: What part?
Me: Near Knoxville.
LG: I used to live in Nashville. I went to Tennessee State.
Me: I went to UT.
LG: Really!?!? Do you know where Paxton Avenue is?

I should stop at this point to tell you that he wasn't speaking of a Paxton in Nashville or Knoxville. He was talking about Paxton which just a few blocks from the bar, but he never explained why he was asking.

Me: Yeah. Sure.
LG: I know where I know you. I sold you a joint once.
Me: Nope. I can guarantee that you've never sold me a joint.
LG: Really? Do you wanna buy a joint.
Me: No thanks.
LG: You're not a cop are you?
Me: No.
LG: Oh. Then, can I give you a joint?
Me: No thanks. I don't smoke weed.
LG: Oh. I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.

At the point, he turns back to the bar for just about a second or two. Then he turns back to me with a look of realization and fear.

LG: You're not gonna get me arressted are you?
Me: No. You're fine.
LG: You won't call the cops?
Me: No. It's ok.
LG: Thanks.

I couldn't help but feel that this was the worst attepted drug deal ever. I have to admit that my knowledge of drug deals is quite limited. In fact, I would have to say that any knowledge I do have is from movies, so I could be completely misled. But I would think that you should lead with, "Are you a cop?" And then, if the answer is no, perhaps follow up with, "Do you smoke weed?" This could save everyone involved some time (although, then it wouldn't give me great blog fodder).

I think that persistence is a good sales technique. Don't take "no" for an answer. But, I don't think that the result of several "no's" should be to try to give the product away. Although, if it was a valid sales technique, I would totally be on my way to a car dealership right now.

First porn, now Pot. Why doesn't a taco salesman ever show up? Then I might mak a purchase.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Random Shower Thought #15

There's a very fine line between "workout" pants and "lay around the house and do nothing" pants. That line is activity.

I blame the fine folks at Russell Athletics for making pants that cause me to want to sit on the couch all day.

Related topic: I do very little actual sweating, while wearing sweatpants.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Time To Get Some Stuff Done.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions, and I'm still not. But I will share a few goals I hope to accomplish in the year of our Lord twenty aught nine.

1. Spend an entire day (all 24 hours) watching only movies featuring Burt Reynolds. And thanks to my mom for giving me Cannonball Run, and my girlfriend for giving me Hooper and a Frosty the Snowman cartoon (narrated by Mr. Reynolds); my BR collection is ever growing.
2. Touch a live monkey. I would prefer to pet one, maybe hold it, but I will settle for just a quick nudge.
3. Learn how to cook like the Chinese. I have tried to do it for years, but I can't replicate Chinese food in my kitchen. It's OK, but nothing like what's I get at the restaurant. Ancient Chinese secret, eh?

4. Smuggle or bootleg something. I don't think bringing cases of Yuengling back from Tennessee counts, but it's a good jumping off point.

5. Meet and befriend a midget. I would like a long lasting friendship, but we can just grab a couple beers and see where it goes from there.
6. Find treasure.

7. Watch Wizard of Oz while listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Oh wait! I'm not a pothead. Never mind this one.

8. Kill an endangered animal "by accident". Wink.

9. Eat and endangered animal "by accident". Wink.

10. Buy hot pink Christian Louboutins Jolie. No that's one of Denae's goals.

11. Wrestle some sort of bear.

12. Finally get that time machine working. I've been working on it for years, it's time I finish and start seeing some old shit when it was new.

13. Meet the three greatest men named "Bill" to ever live:
Bill Cosby

Bill Nye (the science guy)

Bill Lambeer