Tuesday, December 26, 2006

If I Could Be King....of Music.

I apologize for the time since the last post. I recently bought the 5th season of 24 on dvd. They should put a Surgeon General's warning on those things, 'cuz they's addictive. I also spent the last two days the the land of the Orange and White for Christmas.

As I was driving back this evening (listening to the radio, since I forgot my cd's), I came to the realization. As I passed Clay's Ferry (that one's for you Deener), I decided that rules need to be established for the world of music to keep the suckiness from continuing.

1. Fergie, I'm gonna have to issue a cease and desist immediately. Take the money you got with this last album and buy some talent. I can't understand how you have a career. At least most crappy female "artists" are at least attractive. I'll admit your body is smokin', but you have the face of a Gorgon. I dare not look your way, for fear of turning to stone.
2. Gwen Stefani, I will allow you to continue performing with a couple stipulations. You may only peform with No Doubt, and only songs preceding "Hey Baby, Hey Baby, Hey". This may seem harsh, buy you've been given a chance to experiment with your sound, and we can all see that was a mistake. If given the choice of listening to your latest album or gouging my own brain with a screwdriver, the only decision to make is phillips of flathead.
3. Jay-Z, you've retired at the top of your game and returned. You are officially the Michael Jordan of the music biz. But, unlike MJ, you are not allowed to retire again. In fact, I'm gonna need you to put out at least one album a year for the rest of your life. Once you die, I'm gonna need you to Tupac it.
4. Ludacris, you are the only hip hop artist that consistently puts out good music (I discount Jay-Z because of the retirement). Keep up the good work, man.
5. Contemporary Country Musicians, having listened to songs by many of you, I feel ill. Your music is neither country, nor western. I hereby assign you all to watch CMT's Dirty Dozen: Country Music's Top 12 Outlaws, after which, I am requiring you to listen to an album by each of them. Toby Keith and Gretchen Wilson, you are exempt from this assignment.
6. Commonwealth of Kentucky, there is a stretch of I-75 between Lexington and Knoxville where I was in neither market. No big deal except the only thing on the radio was country (see above rule to understand why this is a problem), or talk radio. I am hereby going to require you to provide a station that plays only Skynyrd, Pearl Jam, and AC/DC on a loop. That should get me through that stretch.
7. People in the car next to me, I know Elton John is gay. That does not, however, mean that if I am singing along to a classic Elton song, that I am gay. Screw you for judging. In fact, I'm adding Elton John to the list that will be played in rule 6. Unless, of course, the song is "Candle in the Wind", that song is gay.
8. Last, but not least, Fergie, I know I've already addressed you, but damn you suck. Your "London Bridge" is of no concern to me, I have no idea what "keeping the boys on rock, rock" means, and (while I appreciate your concern for breast cancer awareness) I do not want to hear about your "Lady lumps". Your "music" is the equivalent of shoving horse feces into my ear canals.

I'll be watching you all.


Sandy said...

Just bloghopping and wanted to let you know that your posts had me laughing.
love the clown joke too

Anonymous said...

Are you starting to come around? Has it finally hit you that MOST country sucks? Impressive!

Hope you had a great holiday w/ the folks (lots of hugging!)...

Denae said...

i beg to differ. the stretch of 1-75 with no music from Lex or Cincy or Knox also includes strange gospel music and preaching from backwoods churches. i've learned more about snake handling from those radio stations than i have from steve irwin (RIP). glad you made it back safe and it is about time you updated your blog. see you soon.