I Don't Know What All The Fuss Was About.

I don't know what Sarah Palin got so upset about. They'd have a beautiful child.

Click here to see for yourself.

Looking For A Home Makes Me Lazy......Sorry.

I apologize for the lack of posts recently. It seems that between work and looking for a house to buy, I haven't had a lot of time to relish you all with a post worthy of putting on the Wind.
I will be back soon enough, and hopefully with tales of the crap endured in buying a home. I leave you with the following (which is a post I sidelined during my anti-protest posts). Hopefully it will quench your thirst for new material for the time being.


General rule of thumb: Anyone willing to publicly protest something is not your friend.

In my job as a news videographer, I have covered many a protest. Usually, protests are the commonplace of hippies (and despite my love of the Grateful Dead..... I DISLIKE HIPPIES). I understand your right to protest, but I just don't understand your need to do so.

Sometimes, however, a group of people that share my opinions feel the need to protest. But, (and this is a big but), as a general rule of thumb, PROTESTERS HATE THE MEDIA. I don't know why. I admit this much. 'Cuz, if you dislike something so much that you feel the need to hold up a sign on the side of the road, one would think that you'd invite journalists to cover your rants. But it seems that (left or right) the one thing protesters can all agree on is that the media is the enemy.


And...I AM A PART OF THE MEDIA.

Oven Lovin'

I think it only runs in the late evening, but the following commercial has caught my attention as of late.


I know they're just trying to be humorous, but who approved this commercial? When deciding where to get lunch, humor goes out the window, if I think the guy making my sandwich has been humping the oven. Plus, I don't think I want a sub that you've just compared to a penis. I just want a delicious meal that I am not fellating.

I'll just head over to Jimmy John's. They don't have an oven.

Call me a prude.

Snugs Fo' Life!

Here's a recent text-versation between the girlfriend and I.

Me: Guess what I will be shooting tonight.
Her: I don't know. Something cool?
Me: Yup. There's a Snuggie pub crawl in Mt. Adams.
Her: Awesome!
Me: I know, right?
Her: But what if they spill their beer. Are the Snuggies made of ShamWow?
Me: No, but I think you may have just come up with the greatest product ever imagined...
Her: I'm friggin' brilliant.
Me: In fact, you are.

I later noticed that the Snuggie is rather long, and mixed with intake of alcohol and uneven terrain, could pose a tripping hazard.

Watching the Watchmen

The girlfriend and I went to see Watchmen last night. This is my review.

1. Being the comic book geek that I am, I've never read Watchmen. It came out when I was five. I was aware of it, but couldn't find it for years. Now that it is readily available, I decided that I'd see the movie before I read it.

2. It is beautifully shot. Much like Sin City, it is like watching a comic book on screen.

3. It blurs the lines between good and evil. Not having read the graphic novel (which I can only assume does the same), I can't think of something that can make me feel that something is truly evil, only to show me that perhaps it's for the greater good (and vice versa).

4. Too much glowing blue penis.

No. Seriously. F@#$ Protesters!

Protesters, you are like the homeless.

1. You stand on the side of the road.
2. You shout what you think at oncoming traffic.
3. You hold up (what you think is) a clever sign.
4. I try everything I can to ignore you. Especially when I am stuck in traffic.
5. You think the government is conspiring against you.
6. You, most likely, are clinically insane.
7. I will give you a dollar to leave me alone.

Addendum: Here's a few more I came up with this morning.

-You're probably going to bother me, as I am simply trying to go eat.
- You seem to think I care about what you have to say.
- You stink of stale whiskey and desperation.
- When I see you, I think, "get a job!"

On the other hand, at least I'd buy a homeless guy lunch.

Addendum #2: Hey I got one more in me.
-You're probably in the position you are now due to either mental illness or a complete inability to be productive.

Protesters Suck! I wish I had some clever play on words, but (for reals) PROTESTERS REALLY SUCK!

A few years back, when I worked for a small upstart station, I was the videographer pegged with the responsibility of filming a presidential visit (those of you who know me, also know that I'd never say filming, except while talking of the prez, I don't feel shoot is appropriate).

Part of this great privilege is the fact that you have to be in place very early. You have to have your truck parked where it will stay. You have to have all your gear inside the venue. And you are going to have to be there, pretty much, all day long.

I knew that this was my task, but I forgot to bring a book. I forgot to bring a magazine. I forgot to bring anything that could help pass the time (six straight hours of nothingness at one point). So I had to figure out my own way to pass the time.

"What to do?"

One could easily ask such a question. I found a pen. I found a manila envelope. I saw protesters. So I took that pen to that envelope, and I wrote "I LOVE SQUIRRELS". Then, I went and stood with the protesters that disliked the president so much.

Eventually, one of my fellow protesters realized that he didn't recognize me. He took a gander at my envelope that professed my love of squirrels, and asked me about it.

Protester: What's this?
Me: I love squirrels, and I think the President should know.
P: Are you for real? That's ridiculous!
M: Why?
P: Well, we all have problems with the current administration. And, we want the president to know that. You're making a mockery of what we're trying to do.
M: I love squirrels. And, I think the president will put as much stock into my love of squirrels as he will into your distain for his administration. I have every right to stand here with my beliefs as you do, and I will get just as much done.
P: You're a joke.
M: No. The fact that you think your posterboards on the side of the road are going to influence the president is a joke....Oh crap. I'll talk to you later. I gotta let the Secret Service into my live truck!

The moral of this story is that everyone has an opinion. It's really only the craziest of the crazy that feel that on a lovely day,(instead of enjoying the day)standing on the side of the road and shouting your opinion at oncoming traffic is the best way to be heard.

Perhaps, instead, write a letter to you Congressperson or Senator. Maybe your letter is ignored, but maybe it's noticed. At least you don't waste your mentally unbalanced time standing on a curb for hours.

Random Shower Thought #16

Isn't every dish "microwavable", as long as it fits in the microwave? The problem is whether or not the dish and/or microwave can still be used afterward. Frozen dinner items should call for the food to placed on a "microwave repeatable" dish.

Post Valentine's Love Tip

Dear Kevin,
My girlfriend and I go out to dinner on a frequent basis. But, when I ask her where she wants to go, she always responds with, "I don't care." How do I get her to actually tell me where she wants to go.
Thanks,
Guy Madeupforthispost

Dear Guy,
I feel your pain. Sure, she doesn't care where you go out, then she complains when you've eaten the Godzilla burger at Habit's for the sixth time in seven days.

The next time you ask your girl where she wants to go, and she replies that she doesn't care, don't get frustrated. Instead, drive to the nicest restaurant you know. When she is getting excited, continue driving behind the place. Find the dumpster and tell her that you'll be eating out of it. Then you proceed to get out and climb in the dumpster. When she tells you to stop fooling around, because she's hungry, you find a food item and eat it in front of her.

She will rethink her cavalier restaurant attitude, while you get your stomach pumped.


I would like to say, as an addendum, that this is just a joke. Don't eat out of a dumpster. Also, I love my girlfriend, and she should in no way take issue with this. I'm just joking, baby. I love you.

Gotta Get An Upgrade.

Perhaps I was inspired by the DirectTV commercial with Beyonce (I honestly didn't know it was an actual song until looking it up for the previous link). But I felt it was time to upgrade the Devils Wind a bit.

No. I just couldn't sleep, and wasted that time fooling around in the settings, rather than be productive.

Enjoy the new look, but keep comin' back for the same ol' drivel.

Never Invite People Over For The "NFL Championship"

I decided to have folks over for the Super Bowl.

I think that's how Hemingway would start a story. I could be wrong.

I decided to have folks over for the Super Bowl. A few friends to watch the big game. It all went well. UNTIL!!! As my girlfriend's friend was leaving, a crock pot was dropped. Dropped, as it may be, onto the coffee table. The coffee table happened to have my phone sitting on it. Cracking the sreen.

This cracked screen rendered my phone utterly useless.

The next day, I took my phone to the local Sprint store. I told them the story. They told me that I had insured the phone and it would be replaced. However, they had to order the replacement. Thinking that my phone would be replaced as is, I had no problem with that.

About an hour after leaving the Sprint store, the lady I had dealt with called me. She informed me that black was not a viable option in colors Sprint could provide in replacement. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?
Lisa: Mr. K......?
Me: This is he, although it is actually "Mr. K..r....?
L: I just wanted to make sure you understood that with the policy you own on the phone that it would be replaced with whatever is available. That means you will get a green phone when you come back in.
Me: Well, I don't like that. I bought a black phone. I insured a black phone. I want my phone replaced with a black phone.
L: I understand. Let me see if there is an unclaimed black phone in your model in the back.

Why she didn't do this step (while I was there) baffles me. I digress...

Upon returning:

L: Mr. K..r....
M: Yes?
L: I'm sorry but we can only replace your phone with the green phone.
M: There's nothing else?
L: No.
M: Alright. I don't like it, but if that's all you can do, then that's all you can do.

It would have ended there. But this is what I got

ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME?!?!

I walked into the Sprint store two days later. I told them my predicament, and the lady went to grab my phone. The following ensued:

Sprint Lady (I apologize, but I did not get her name): Sir?

Me: Yeah?

SL: Are you aware that your phone will be green?

M: Unfortunately.....Yes.

Time went by, as she transferred my contacts....

SL: Do you like green?

M: I like several greens. I don't like this one.

SL: It is a girly green.

M: You aren't really helping.

SL: Well, at least, it isn't pink.

M: Yeah. Thanks.

This tells me that the only color worse than "hideous green" that my phone could be is pink. Except that my phone isn't offered in pink. It is offered in black. It is offered in blue. AND IT IS OFFERED IN LIME GREEN. Which means that the fine folks at LG had a conversation that I can only imagine went as such:

Head guy: I like this Rumor that you developed. What colors are we thinking about?

Research and Development guy: We have black.

HG: I need at least two other colors.

RnD Guy: Blue?

HG: Okay. One more.

RnD Guy: Uh.....Green?

HG: That's it!!!!!

(I got my horrible green phucking phone, and drove about seeing so many shades of phreaking green that would be okay to have as a phone color. I can only imagine the rest of the conversation went as such):

RnD guy: What shade of green, sir?

HG: I don't know. A shade of green that will make the teenage girls swoon? What shade of green is a Jonas brother's shit?

Internet Revelation

I guess Monster.com is a great site, if you're looking for a new job. But, if you're a grown man that wants to look at pictures of monters, it is horribly disappointing.

History Before Our Eyes.

This post is a few days late. But, given the importance of recent events, I feel it is necessary.

This past week, the world saw history. There are many people that thought they would never see such a day. I must admit that I myself never thought that, in my lifetime, I would see the day when Mickey Rourke was nominated for an Academy Award. I think that bears repeating...

MICKEY ROURKE WAS NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD!!!!!

...Or Get Off The Pot.

I've regaled you all with the story of attempted porn sales at the local watering hole. Well last night was not that exciting, but still strange.

I was sitting at the bar with a friend, enjoying an ice cold Coors Light, when a rather large individual sat a couple stools down from me. After what I have been told were strange conversations he had with some of the other bar patrons, he zeroed in on me. The following ensued:

Large Guy: Do I know you?
Me: I don't think so. I'm Kevin.
LG: Where did you grow up? (I'd like to point out that a normal introduction would involve him telling me his name. This conversation, however, was anything but normal.)
Me: Tennessee.
LG: What part?
Me: Near Knoxville.
LG: I used to live in Nashville. I went to Tennessee State.
Me: I went to UT.
LG: Really!?!? Do you know where Paxton Avenue is?

I should stop at this point to tell you that he wasn't speaking of a Paxton in Nashville or Knoxville. He was talking about Paxton which just a few blocks from the bar, but he never explained why he was asking.

Continue:
Me: Yeah. Sure.
LG: I know where I know you. I sold you a joint once.
Me: Nope. I can guarantee that you've never sold me a joint.
LG: Really? Do you wanna buy a joint.
Me: No thanks.
LG: You're not a cop are you?
Me: No.
LG: Oh. Then, can I give you a joint?
Me: No thanks. I don't smoke weed.
LG: Oh. I'm sorry. I won't bother you anymore.

At the point, he turns back to the bar for just about a second or two. Then he turns back to me with a look of realization and fear.

LG: You're not gonna get me arressted are you?
Me: No. You're fine.
LG: You won't call the cops?
Me: No. It's ok.
LG: Thanks.

I couldn't help but feel that this was the worst attepted drug deal ever. I have to admit that my knowledge of drug deals is quite limited. In fact, I would have to say that any knowledge I do have is from movies, so I could be completely misled. But I would think that you should lead with, "Are you a cop?" And then, if the answer is no, perhaps follow up with, "Do you smoke weed?" This could save everyone involved some time (although, then it wouldn't give me great blog fodder).

I think that persistence is a good sales technique. Don't take "no" for an answer. But, I don't think that the result of several "no's" should be to try to give the product away. Although, if it was a valid sales technique, I would totally be on my way to a car dealership right now.

First porn, now Pot. Why doesn't a taco salesman ever show up? Then I might mak a purchase.

Random Shower Thought #15

There's a very fine line between "workout" pants and "lay around the house and do nothing" pants. That line is activity.

I blame the fine folks at Russell Athletics for making pants that cause me to want to sit on the couch all day.

Related topic: I do very little actual sweating, while wearing sweatpants.

Time To Get Some Stuff Done.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions, and I'm still not. But I will share a few goals I hope to accomplish in the year of our Lord twenty aught nine.

1. Spend an entire day (all 24 hours) watching only movies featuring Burt Reynolds. And thanks to my mom for giving me Cannonball Run, and my girlfriend for giving me Hooper and a Frosty the Snowman cartoon (narrated by Mr. Reynolds); my BR collection is ever growing.
2. Touch a live monkey. I would prefer to pet one, maybe hold it, but I will settle for just a quick nudge.
3. Learn how to cook like the Chinese. I have tried to do it for years, but I can't replicate Chinese food in my kitchen. It's OK, but nothing like what's I get at the restaurant. Ancient Chinese secret, eh?

4. Smuggle or bootleg something. I don't think bringing cases of Yuengling back from Tennessee counts, but it's a good jumping off point.

5. Meet and befriend a midget. I would like a long lasting friendship, but we can just grab a couple beers and see where it goes from there.
6. Find treasure.

7. Watch Wizard of Oz while listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Oh wait! I'm not a pothead. Never mind this one.

8. Kill an endangered animal "by accident". Wink.

9. Eat and endangered animal "by accident". Wink.

10. Buy hot pink Christian Louboutins Jolie. No that's one of Denae's goals.

11. Wrestle some sort of bear.

12. Finally get that time machine working. I've been working on it for years, it's time I finish and start seeing some old shit when it was new.

13. Meet the three greatest men named "Bill" to ever live:
Bill Cosby

Bill Nye (the science guy)

Bill Lambeer

Sweetness!!

I notice this the other day. I'm sure a person simply decided they didn't need sugar and didn't feel like leaving their spot in line.

I just found the placement next to Diabetic Living somewhat humorous.

Strangely, everyone I've shown this picture asked if I put it there. The answer is no. If it was me, the sugar would be in the Diabetic Living rack.

Reason For The Season

I don't want to be a part of the Christmas creep. Goodness knows that I hate seeing trees and lights up before Thanksgiving. Hell, I think folks should wait until December 1st to decorate. After all, unlike the food in my holiday meals, I like my holidays to be completely separate.

But as the Christmas season aproaches, let us not forget to jingle all the way.

Random Shower Thought #14

When people claim that it's colder than a witch's tit, do Wiccans get offended?

Who Knew?

Guess what. I didn't know that Babar was running on the Liberatarian Ticket. If we really wanted to make history. He has experience in office. He's African in heritage. He brought me so much joy as a child. And, he's a friggin' elephant in a suit.

This is why we need more than a two party system.

Although, I am pretty sure that he was not born in the states. So, I don't know that he was qualified.

BTW: This is the most political I will ever be on this blog. Get used to it.

Subquotients

Today, I had to shoot a new subdivision called Whispering Oaks. Why are subdivisions named so horribly? Mallard Glen, Windy Meadows, Glen Meadows, Windy Glen, Mallard Meadows....You get the point.

Why can't they have awesome names? For example:
Titmouse Oaks
Magpie Glen
Yak Hollow
Kookabura Elms
Orangatan Acres
Poppycock Bay
Brushfire Canyon
Cable Ace Award Meadows
Murderous Pines (although that may be a Jeff Fahey movie. I'm not certain)
Wade Boggs Point
Wade Bog
Anything referring to Wade Boggs
Badger Claw Creek
Aglet Farms

It's a fun game. Come up with your own fun subdivision names.

Singin' Da Blues (aka. Random Shower Thought 13)

Why is it that my Ty-D-Bol can go from dark blue, to very light blue (making me think it needs to be replaced), back to dark blue? Is it developed to confuse me as to when it is depleted?

Looks Like Another Year Of Forts Made Of Bed Sheets.

I recently got to work and found a table saw and a substantial amount of lumber. Imagine my dismay when I found out they were just building a new news set and not fulfilling my weekly suggestion of tree house.

Random Shower Thought #12

If you can't remember whether your thermometer is oral or rectal, you can be certain that it's disposable.

Do They Have A Fleece That Can Stand Up To The Rigors Of Prospecting?

My girlfriend was wearing an old sweatshirt the other day that had a patch on the sleeve. I was unaware that Abercrombie and Fitch was established in 1892.

It's kind of hard to imagine all the hairless, homosexual men of the time getting together to frolic in fields and streams. All the anorexic girls coming to watch... and not eat.

And Abercrombie and Fitch was there to clothe them, when their romps were over.

Random Shower Thought #11

How does Debra Messing keep getting work? I mean...really? She's the Fergie of acting.

Random Shower Thought #10

Do cannibals have their own internet/texting language?

Example:

Cannibal 1: Whassup heg?
Cannibal 2: Not much. JTAEP!!
C1: Word to that. CTTOHF myself.

Don't Understand? Use this handy key:
heg= "human eating guy"
JTAEP= "just thinking about eating people"
CTTOHF= "craving the taste of human flesh"

(Not So) Green Machine

I came to a realization on Labor Day, as my family gathered at the lake.

All those people that preach about being green, and not using unnecessary fuel, have never ridden a jet ski.


That's not me. Just so you know.

Online Again!

I regret the recent lull in posts. However the internet has been down at the house and I have been incapable of posting. I guess I could do it at work, but then again, no one wants their boss catching them typing about monkey farts (or other subjects).

In my absence from the blogosphere I missed my goal of posting my 100th post on the 2 year anniversary of the Devil's Wind. I feel I let you down.....

Not really, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that noticed.

By the way: Earlier when I mentioned monkey farts, it was the first random example that hit my mind. I had no idea this existed, but discovered it upon googling "monkey farts". You should be able to enjoy it just the same.



Just 6 more posts to go to hit 100. I best get to thinking up some crazy S**t.

ResponseTo Infomercials As Related To Amount Imbibed

0-3 beers: Look at this crap. There are people dumb enough to buy this.
4-6 beers: If it actually worked, that would be something.
6-9 beers: They couldn't advertise it, if it didn't work the way they say. Could they?
10-12 beers: I have 30 extra minutes everyday
12+ beers: Actually I don't remember my thoughts at this point. I do know I woke up naked, cold, and wet the following morning in my bath tub.


6-8 weeks later: Billy Blanks' Boot Camp shows up on my doorstep.


I guess somewhere after 12 is when I become dumb enough to buy this crap.

Missing Link

To clear up some confusion as of late. If there are words in a post that are a different colour (that's right, I'm churching up the spelling), that means that it's a link. Click on it to further the comedic adventure that we've started upon.


**Addendum: I realize it somewhat goes against my point to tell you to click on words of a certain colour in my posts, then not actually put a link to something. So here.

But, I Love Them

My name is Kevin, and I am a Reds fan. I guess it all started in the year of our Lord two thousand aught three, when I first moved up to Cincinnati. They have sucked, since I've lived here.

It wasn't till I've watched the Lifetime Network (when nothing else is on), that I realize that I am the same as an abuse victim.

Friend: Why are you still with him (the Reds)?

Me: I love him (Reds).

Friend: But, all he (Reds) does is hurt you.

Me: I know. But, perhaps, if I stay with him (Reds), he'll (the Reds'll) change. If I leave him (Reds), he (they) will never change. However, if I stick with him (Reds), he (they) will become a better person (team).

I (and the rest of Reds' fans) am the Reds' Valerie Bertinelli.

Bat and Switch

I went to see The Dark Knight last night. I had no clue it was about Batman. And here the entire time, I was expecting a sequel to the Martin Lawrence classic Black Knight.

Ranting 'Til I'm Blue In The Tooth

Outside of Aerosmith and Rubber Charity Bracelets, very few things annoy me as much as the Bluetooth device.

So to the Bluetooth users:

*First of all, it's not a fashion accessory. Stop wearing them as such.

*Next, don't use them in line at the store or within 10 feet of people in public. Us non-users are tired of turning around and saying, "what was that?" Only to find you talking to your dentist.

*Actually, stop using them in public altogether. You can't understand the devastation of thinking that you're seeing a crazy person talk to him/herself, only to have them turn and reveal that little hunk of plastic attatched to the ear. Great! You're not a schizophrenic. Just a douche.

I guess the upside is that when I'm driving and talking to myself, perhaps people just assume I've got an earpiece on the other side of my head.

Although....No. I'm pretty sure that I'd rather they think me insane.

Urine Trouble.

The other night, I was at Habits (a local drinkery). I went to the restroom, as I am want to do after a few drinks. As I head to the restroom, a girl comes from the men's room, and another is standing waiting (line 5 deep for women's room). The second offers to let me go first, but I decline and offer to watch the door for her. As I wait, two more guys join me in line. The second comments as to his drunkenness and distaste toward waiting in line. The girl exits, thanks me, and walks back out into the bar, as I enter the restroom and go to the urinal. I overhear the second guy comment that, if he had to, he'd piss in the sink. He then passes the man in front of him and enters the restroom. I figure he will use the toilet, however he stops behind me (at this point my discomfort is now quite high). He says, "which one should I use?" This guy is apparently cannot decide if he should use the toilet (yes) or the sink (what?). The diagram below shows the layout of the room.

He (denoted above as DF for drunken fool) finally decided to use the toilet. Then he commented the guy still waiting was a fool for not coming in and using the sink. He was hell bent on urine entering the sink. However, at Habits that is a difficult task. The sink in that restroom is particularly high, as the second diagram will show.

This guy was not Manute Bol. As you can see he'd have to get quite the arc on the stream. Then, he'd have to maintain a constant pressure to keep that trajectory (and we all know that doesn't happen). I couldn't help but think that if he did use the sink, then I'd probably be hit with some splatter. If that were to happen, I'd punch him in the nuts.

While this drunken fool made the right choice, this is a cautionary tale. When given the choice between using a proper receptacle and a sink, choose the friggin' toilet.

**There's a sense of pride upon completing what you feel is a funny post. However, it's hard to stay proud when you realize that you spent upwards of an hour drawing diagrams of a restroom and piss courses in Microsoft Paint.

Wedding Thoughts.

Lot's of weddings going on, as of late. Fridaywas my friend Matt's wedding. As he and his bride Jennifer were wed in what seemed like an endless ceremony, many a thought entered my head. Here are a few....

1) Is there a Catholic wedding workout video? All this sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting.... I'm really feelin' it in my quads.

2) What is the proper wine to serve with body? (This one came during communion)

3) I wonder if Matt will do the dance at the reception. Answer: Yes

See Red(eye)

Monday I returned to Cincy from Hawaii (that's right suckas I went to friggin' Hawaii). The problem, however, is that after a week of relaxation, one still has to deal with the air travel industry. The worst of which was the over night, 5 and a half hour leg from San Fransisco to Philadelphia. It wouldn't have been bad, but for a baby that was quiet for about a total of 30 minutes, screaming its head off the entire trip.

Now, I am aware that you should never, never, never shake a baby. But at 4a.m., when this kid hasn't shut up for 3 hours straight..... I have to say, I was thinking, "Never say never. Maybe you should shake that baby." Perhaps just a jostle.

Random Shower Thought #9

Is picking someone else's nose considered making out to Eskimos?

Beer and Porn

So tonight was a first for me. I've seen alot of things occur in a bar, but I've never had anyone try to sell me porn at a bar.

I'm still a little befuddled.

I went out, because it was a friend (and great bartender's) last night at work. I was sitting with close friends, they left, and I stayed to talk to "not so close" friends. That's when a gentlman came in with a duffel bag, trying to sell his wares. I found out that the wares in question were porn dvds. Then he approached our table.

I sh** you not.

"Do you guys wanna buy some adult dvds?", he asks
We both respond with a hearty, "NO!"

He proceeds to pull a handful of dvds from his duffel. The one on top with the title "My First Black C**k!" At this point I force myself not to say what's on my mind, which would be to ask whether he can insure that each woman is, in fact, taking their first black c**k. Because, if I wikipedia this and find that they are not the womens' first black c**k, I will seek a refund. But I don't know how he will react, so I hold my tongue. ("Hold My Tongue" might have been a title in the bag)

He really hurt sales with the following statements:
1. "I don't watch porn." This made me think of a story I once heard of a pen salesman that took the order in pencil, thus losing the sale.
2. After recanting the previous statement, "I've jerked off on alot of these movies." I think he meant "to" instead of "on", but I'm not willing to take that chance.
3. This might be the quote of the night. "You don't have to worry about screwing some skank with porn. I'd rather get AIDS from my own hand, than get AIDS from some chick I banged." Now I'm informed enough to know that's not how AIDS is transmitted. However, I can't help but think that if he can get it from his own hand.... I should wash mine. After all, I just politely shook his hand. I don't know what strain he might have encountered.

He also tried to say that we couldn't find porn for cheaper, and I told him that, having once been a college student with an internet connection, I'm pretty sure that I could find porn for free.

Taco Smell.

I have a problem with the new Taco Bell commercial with the two girls at a club, one with a bacon chalupa in her purse.

If you haven't already seen the Taco Bell bacon chalupa commercial click here.

My problem? While I, like many other men, do actually like bacon and the smell it gives off; if I meet a girl at a bar, club, party, what have you, I'm pretty sure I'd be turned off if she smells of bacon. So I've rewritten the script to reflect reality.

Girl 1: I love this club....do I smell bacon?

Girl 2: Oh yeah that's me. (opens purse) It's a bacon chalupa from taco bell. Guys love the smell of bacon.

Girl 1: That won't work.

Guy walks up.

Guy: Hi ladies.

Girls: Hey!

Guy: I've recieved several complaints of a bacon smell. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Perhaps you should go home and wash. That can't be healthy.

Girl 2: No it's a chalupa in my purse.

Guy: That's disgusting.

He May As Well Be Wearing A Houndstooth Hat.

This is a recent political discussion I had.

Friend: Do you think you'll vote for Barack Obama?
Me: I can't.
Friend: Why not? You don't agree with his politics?
Me: No. That's not it. It's because I went to UT.
F: That makes no sense.
M: Of course it does. I'm from Tennessee, right?
F: Right.
M: And you know I love the Vols, right?
F: Right.
M: So how in good conscience vote for a man with "Bama" in his name.
F: Wow! So... What if his name was BaROCKY O'TOP?
M: Well, of course, then he'd have my vote hands down.

Fartin' In The Shower.

I love to fart (which may make this my most sophisticated post ever). Anywhere, really: sitting on the couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, eating dinner, driving to work, at work, at a bar, at a book store, at church (sorry, God)....really just about anywhere. But my favorite place to fart is the shower. For some uncanny reason that's usually where they are the loudest (perhaps acoustics play a role).

Anyway, suffice it to say today I farted in the shower. However, it was like no other that preceded it. As water ran down my back and the crack of my booty, some of the devil's wind escaped. But from behind the flowing water it made a sort of bubbling sound that I've never heard before. I instantly start laughing. Until....

I can't quite explain the smell. Sort of a hot garbage and rotting carrion, perhaps. I can say it was horrific. You know usually I can handle my own flavor, but this was almost unbearable. I thought I might have to crawl out of the room on all fours, the way you would to avoid smoke inhalation during a fire.

When I returned to consciousness, I tried reconstruct what had happened. I remembered the smell of pure evil. Then I remembered the bubbly fart that had preceded, and I started laughing again.

So the lesson learned is that no matter the price you pay for farting, the laughter makes it all worth it.

.....Oh yeah and don't try to make your own huevos rancheros.

Politically Defect

Nowadays, you have to be careful about every little thing you say.

The other day, I went to Long John Silvers. When I got to the window, there was an African-American lady who took my money. She asked if I wanted condiments, and I replied, "Yeah! Vineger." At which point, I thought to myself, "I really hope she heard the 'vi'". Otherwise, she probabaly thinks I'm filled with hate and very enthusiastic about it.

Who Wouldn't Know The Answer?

I was never a boy scout, but that doesn't mean I don't like being prepared. For example, I hope the following conversation will someday present itself, because I am ready.

Someone: Do you know where I can get a six pound can of hominy?
Me: Why yes! As a matter of fact, I do.

If I Ruled the World

The other day I saw a vanity plate on the back of a Hummer that read "HMR GUY". I guess the fact that he's driving a Hummer isn't conspicuous enough.

Then and there I decided that, if I ruled the world, vanity plates would be banished. However that doesn't seem fair, so I changed my mind. Everyone has to get vanity plates, but you don't get to choose your own. Instead, those who know you best will choose what your plate says.

I'd like to think Hummer guy's would read "BIGDUSH"

(That's "big douche" if you didn't get it)

Random Shower Thought # 8

Do homeless people have to budget their panhandling earnings for markers?

Tuned In To The Pulse Of America.

Local news departments across the country are always fighting for better ratings. I have an idea. Obviously, alot of people watch Law and Order, CSI, and other similar shows. When they promote a new episode, many times they say "ripped from the headlines".

What better way to promote the news? It actually is ripped from the headlines.

Tonight, on News at 6, an all new episode ripped from the
headlines.

Genius.

Crappy Holidays. (aka. Games I Like to Play #4)

Sorry that the Devil's Wind has been somewhat silent (and by no means deadly) as of late, but I assure you I've been doing some thinking and there will be new posts a-coming.

And now on to this one....

I spent the weekend in Tennessee with my family. It was awesome. I won't go into boring details of what we did, but I will tell you about this.

As with most men, my father and I think the act of going number two is funny, and a fun little game we like to play is coming up with new ways to say that this is about to occur. So I'm going to share some of the best I've heard over the years.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl

Talk to a man about a horse

Drop the kids off at the pool

Expunge the Files

Pinch a loaf

Drop some wolf bait

Take a growler

Growl one out

Grunt one out

Coming down with a case of the grunts

I'm poking cotton

I'm prarie dogging

I'm turtle heading

Making some stink mud

Make a sequel to Hope Floats

Building a log cabin

Back the bus out of the garage

Code two

Go phone Elvis

and my dad's personal favorite....

Go to the library.

Feel free to share your own in comments.

Where Do You Keep The Chanukah Flea Collars?

I'm not familiar with the traditions of Kwanzaa, but this seems odd.

If anything I'd think you'd need ant and roach spray for Christmas. After all, you have children setting out cookies.

I'd like to thank Jeff H. and Mike O. for contributing the picture.

Soup-er Idea.

Today I enjoyed some delicious Broccoli and Cheese soup in a bread bowl. I like the bread bowl, because after it's all said and done, there's nothing left over. It's almost like I'm doing my part for the environment. But what to do about the spoon? It's the sole piece of evidence of your meal. What to do? What to do?

Cracker Spoon.

Eat your soup. Eat your bowl. Eat your spoon. Save the Earth.

Not So Fair(er) Sex.

In the movies, sometimes a man and woman are lying in bed together, then the woman wakes up to ask what the man is doing. The man says, "I was just watcing you sleep." Then, all the women watching say that's so romantic.

However, if you break into a woman's house, pull a chair into her bedroom, and watch her sleep, while making a completely unrelated list of ways to murder someone in their sleep; suddenly, it's time for restraining orders and pressed charges.

Stationery Position

The other day I walked into work to see this box sitting in the loading dock.
I had no idea that Bic makes a "graphic" pen. But I'll make my assumptions based on other products describe as "graphic". So this is what I'm imagining they look like.
Perhaps a bit inappropriate for the work place, but I must admit, I've been checking the supplies cabinet everyday since then in anticipation.


Side note: The Devil's Wind does not encourage theft of office supplies. Unless they feature a naked woman.

Rangom Shower Thought #7

Even if you call them unmentionables, haven't you still mentioned them? So obviously they aren't unmentionable.

Maturity and Philanthropy

Yesterday was my birthday. While sitting with friends enjoying a delicious, ice cold Coors Light, I decided that at age 28, I decided that it's time to be a bit more mature and perhaps contribute to society. And what you may ask did I come up with?

I'm bringing back "the year of our Lord". It sounds old timey, IE. mature. And I think it'll class up life for everyone involved. Don't worry non-Christians, you can say "the year of your Lord." Even if you don't believe in him, you do have to concede that he's the basis for our calendar structure.

So to make it official, I declare that on this the twenty second day of the month of October in the year of our Lord twenty aught seven, I declare the return "the year of our Lord".

I'm also bringing back "aught".

Random Shower Thought #6

Are Italians offended by the Whopper?

Gundy for Coors

Some friends at work and I made a Coors Light commercial
with Oklahoma State Football Coach Mike Gundy....enjoy.

Boob Tube

I bought a new tv. It's a 40 inch flat panel made by Polaroid. It's pretty awesome, except when I turn it on I have to shake it and blow on it.

Now that I have this portal to the world of broadcast, I got Direct TV. I haven't had cable for almost 4 years, and thought that I should have more than 3 channels (5 on a clear day). Now, I find myself mesmerized by the fact that I have over 200 channels and apparently feel the need to try to watch all of them.

Cinemax is one of them. I don't nessecarily watch Cinemax, as much as I just flip it over on occasion to see if I can catch a glance of boobies (I also seem to lose maturity when it comes to this subject). Here's the deal, boobs are like one of my Top 10 favorite things to look at....Top 5....Top 3.....Hell, they ARE the Top 2.

And ladies, I'm gonna let you know, the size doesn't matter. It's really more proximity. A small pair that's close to me beats a large pair far away every time.

That's Nutty.

I was looking at a can of delicious Planter's peanuts and something hit me. Mr. Peanut is not the lovable legume icon we've been led to believe.

Think about it. He's a peanut, but what does he do for a living. He endorses a company that sells peanuts for consumption. He's turned his back on his own kind just to make a quick buck. I know that top hat and monocle are supposed to make me think he's sophisticated, but they are a poor disguise. I see your true self Mr. Peanut.

But he's not alone....

Mr. Frostee....Selling your ice cream brethren. To children no less....for shame.
Mayor McCheese....I know hamburgers are tasty. I don't need you selling out your own people to get me to want one. I'm even more disgusted that the voting public keeps re-electing you, despite your treachery.

Kool-Aid Man.... You're actually a punch bowl with Kool-Aid in it. So technically you're not selling out your kind. However, you are very adamant about getting folks to drink your blood, which is just creepy. OH NOOOO! Then there's the Famous Dave's pig. Wow! Will you stop at nothing to get a spot in the lime light? I mean the other guy's just turned their backs. But your lust for fame has turned you evil. Not only are you cooking other pigs for the public, but it appears as though you may also be looking to enjoy some of those ribs. Cannibalism does not suit you pig....I just doesn't suit you.

Having said all this I would now like to proudly anounce that I have become the newest spokesperson for Nerds candy.


Sorry Brothers......

You Da' Christ!!!

Some Jehova's Witnesses left this pamphlet on my doorstep.

Now, I don't get into the "what did Jesus look like" debate. I've heard people go on as to whether he was black, white, or any other color of the rainbow. My thinking is this...Who cares? Shouldn't his teachings be the most important thing, not what he looked like? Having said this I can guarantee that he did not look like this.....

I don't know when styling gel and beard trimmers were invented, but I'm pretty sure it was after 33 A.D.

That'd Be the Sh**!

A couple weeks ago, I saw on the news that a doctor had his basement painted to look exactly like "the Horseshoe" of Ohio State. A mural painter spent months to make sure ever painstaking detail was in there.

Obviously, I don't have the money the doctor has. So I can't have an entire basement painted. However, as a staunch University of Tennessee fan, I wonder if I could afford for that guy to paint Florida's "Swamp" in the bowl of my toilet.

I can't think of a better place to lay a fresh brown trout.

Random Shower Thought #5.

If you add the words "of Death", "of Destruction", or "of Doom" to the end of any household item, it sounds like a really awesome action/horror movie from the 80's.

"Coupon of Death" starring Dolph Lundgren
"Armchair of Destruction" starring Chuck Norris
"Cheese Slicer of Doom" Co-starring Chuck Norris and Dolph Lundgren

(Try it yourselves. Just remember either Chuck Norris or Dolph Lundgren has to star in it.)

Lettuce Pray for My Soul

Yesterday, I felt as though my circulatory system was getting a little uppity and needed to be put in its place. So I tried the new Baconator(TM) at Wendy's. Two beef patties, two slices of cheese and six strips of bacon found their way down my gullet.

I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's not good to feel tired after eating a sandwich.

Why Fiddle With a Good Thing?

The other night I was at my favorite bar. A band had been playing. They had a mandolin and fiddle, so I'm sure I would have liked them had I gotten there during their set. However, I did not and to kill the silence in the room, I plunked a few quarters in juke box. That's when Mr. Fiddle decides he wants to strum along. What the F? Really?

So now rather than hearing Arrested Development sing Tennessee, I'm hearing Arrested Development sing Tennessee and what sounds like Charlie Daniels having a seizure. Then Mr. Mandolin contributes to what I can only describe as noise pollution. I wouldn't have even been that mad, but they wouldn't even stop for the flute solo in Locomotive Breath.

So thank you band members, for causing my quarters to be wasted.....at least you're not Fergie.

Here's Locomotive Breath live circa 1977.

Anti-gravity of the Situation.

So teardrop tattoos on the cheek under the eye apparently represent that the bearer has killed someone in prison. So I was think about getting an upside down teardrop above my eye, to signify that I've killed someone.....in space.