Maturity and Philanthropy

Yesterday was my birthday. While sitting with friends enjoying a delicious, ice cold Coors Light, I decided that at age 28, I decided that it's time to be a bit more mature and perhaps contribute to society. And what you may ask did I come up with?

I'm bringing back "the year of our Lord". It sounds old timey, IE. mature. And I think it'll class up life for everyone involved. Don't worry non-Christians, you can say "the year of your Lord." Even if you don't believe in him, you do have to concede that he's the basis for our calendar structure.

So to make it official, I declare that on this the twenty second day of the month of October in the year of our Lord twenty aught seven, I declare the return "the year of our Lord".

I'm also bringing back "aught".

Really! Why Am I Watching This.

Right now, it is just after 4am on December 06 of the year of our Lord Twenty Aught Nine. I am sitting on my couch with the woman I love (and plan to spend my life with) currently asleep on my lap. I find myself watching a movie on one of the local channels (seeing as we don't have cable or satellite), called "Judicial Indiscretion". Here are a couple problems I have with this film:

A.) The writers of the movie don't seem to understand the duty of the Supreme Court. The main character claimed that she hopes her nomination leads to appointment to the highest court in the country, so that she can "put criminals behind bars".

The Supreme Court ONLY decides cases of constitutionality. Not criminal cases.

B) The Supreme Court nominee is trying to cover up some criminal activity (that she views as only possibly illegal), and tries to cover it all up as she seeks and wins appointment to the Supreme Court.

C) The writer, producers, directors, and actors of this film think that I won't make fun of this horrible display.

I am sure that if you want to see the movie, you will (at some point) find it on late night. Otherwise, look in your local $5 bin.

I just found myself wrapping up this post... and now there is a rape subplot involving the "Smoking Man" from the X-Files.

This movie is really providing more and more baffling crap than one can handle.

Time To Get Some Stuff Done.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions, and I'm still not. But I will share a few goals I hope to accomplish in the year of our Lord twenty aught nine.

1. Spend an entire day (all 24 hours) watching only movies featuring Burt Reynolds. And thanks to my mom for giving me Cannonball Run, and my girlfriend for giving me Hooper and a Frosty the Snowman cartoon (narrated by Mr. Reynolds); my BR collection is ever growing.
2. Touch a live monkey. I would prefer to pet one, maybe hold it, but I will settle for just a quick nudge.
3. Learn how to cook like the Chinese. I have tried to do it for years, but I can't replicate Chinese food in my kitchen. It's OK, but nothing like what's I get at the restaurant. Ancient Chinese secret, eh?

4. Smuggle or bootleg something. I don't think bringing cases of Yuengling back from Tennessee counts, but it's a good jumping off point.

5. Meet and befriend a midget. I would like a long lasting friendship, but we can just grab a couple beers and see where it goes from there.
6. Find treasure.

7. Watch Wizard of Oz while listening to Dark Side of the Moon. Oh wait! I'm not a pothead. Never mind this one.

8. Kill an endangered animal "by accident". Wink.

9. Eat and endangered animal "by accident". Wink.

10. Buy hot pink Christian Louboutins Jolie. No that's one of Denae's goals.

11. Wrestle some sort of bear.

12. Finally get that time machine working. I've been working on it for years, it's time I finish and start seeing some old shit when it was new.

13. Meet the three greatest men named "Bill" to ever live:
Bill Cosby

Bill Nye (the science guy)

Bill Lambeer

But, I Love Them

My name is Kevin, and I am a Reds fan. I guess it all started in the year of our Lord two thousand aught three, when I first moved up to Cincinnati. They have sucked, since I've lived here.

It wasn't till I've watched the Lifetime Network (when nothing else is on), that I realize that I am the same as an abuse victim.

Friend: Why are you still with him (the Reds)?

Me: I love him (Reds).

Friend: But, all he (Reds) does is hurt you.

Me: I know. But, perhaps, if I stay with him (Reds), he'll (the Reds'll) change. If I leave him (Reds), he (they) will never change. However, if I stick with him (Reds), he (they) will become a better person (team).

I (and the rest of Reds' fans) am the Reds' Valerie Bertinelli.