ResponseTo Infomercials As Related To Amount Imbibed

0-3 beers: Look at this crap. There are people dumb enough to buy this.
4-6 beers: If it actually worked, that would be something.
6-9 beers: They couldn't advertise it, if it didn't work the way they say. Could they?
10-12 beers: I have 30 extra minutes everyday
12+ beers: Actually I don't remember my thoughts at this point. I do know I woke up naked, cold, and wet the following morning in my bath tub.


6-8 weeks later: Billy Blanks' Boot Camp shows up on my doorstep.


I guess somewhere after 12 is when I become dumb enough to buy this crap.

Missing Link

To clear up some confusion as of late. If there are words in a post that are a different colour (that's right, I'm churching up the spelling), that means that it's a link. Click on it to further the comedic adventure that we've started upon.


**Addendum: I realize it somewhat goes against my point to tell you to click on words of a certain colour in my posts, then not actually put a link to something. So here.

But, I Love Them

My name is Kevin, and I am a Reds fan. I guess it all started in the year of our Lord two thousand aught three, when I first moved up to Cincinnati. They have sucked, since I've lived here.

It wasn't till I've watched the Lifetime Network (when nothing else is on), that I realize that I am the same as an abuse victim.

Friend: Why are you still with him (the Reds)?

Me: I love him (Reds).

Friend: But, all he (Reds) does is hurt you.

Me: I know. But, perhaps, if I stay with him (Reds), he'll (the Reds'll) change. If I leave him (Reds), he (they) will never change. However, if I stick with him (Reds), he (they) will become a better person (team).

I (and the rest of Reds' fans) am the Reds' Valerie Bertinelli.

Bat and Switch

I went to see The Dark Knight last night. I had no clue it was about Batman. And here the entire time, I was expecting a sequel to the Martin Lawrence classic Black Knight.

Ranting 'Til I'm Blue In The Tooth

Outside of Aerosmith and Rubber Charity Bracelets, very few things annoy me as much as the Bluetooth device.

So to the Bluetooth users:

*First of all, it's not a fashion accessory. Stop wearing them as such.

*Next, don't use them in line at the store or within 10 feet of people in public. Us non-users are tired of turning around and saying, "what was that?" Only to find you talking to your dentist.

*Actually, stop using them in public altogether. You can't understand the devastation of thinking that you're seeing a crazy person talk to him/herself, only to have them turn and reveal that little hunk of plastic attatched to the ear. Great! You're not a schizophrenic. Just a douche.

I guess the upside is that when I'm driving and talking to myself, perhaps people just assume I've got an earpiece on the other side of my head.

Although....No. I'm pretty sure that I'd rather they think me insane.

Urine Trouble.

The other night, I was at Habits (a local drinkery). I went to the restroom, as I am want to do after a few drinks. As I head to the restroom, a girl comes from the men's room, and another is standing waiting (line 5 deep for women's room). The second offers to let me go first, but I decline and offer to watch the door for her. As I wait, two more guys join me in line. The second comments as to his drunkenness and distaste toward waiting in line. The girl exits, thanks me, and walks back out into the bar, as I enter the restroom and go to the urinal. I overhear the second guy comment that, if he had to, he'd piss in the sink. He then passes the man in front of him and enters the restroom. I figure he will use the toilet, however he stops behind me (at this point my discomfort is now quite high). He says, "which one should I use?" This guy is apparently cannot decide if he should use the toilet (yes) or the sink (what?). The diagram below shows the layout of the room.

He (denoted above as DF for drunken fool) finally decided to use the toilet. Then he commented the guy still waiting was a fool for not coming in and using the sink. He was hell bent on urine entering the sink. However, at Habits that is a difficult task. The sink in that restroom is particularly high, as the second diagram will show.

This guy was not Manute Bol. As you can see he'd have to get quite the arc on the stream. Then, he'd have to maintain a constant pressure to keep that trajectory (and we all know that doesn't happen). I couldn't help but think that if he did use the sink, then I'd probably be hit with some splatter. If that were to happen, I'd punch him in the nuts.

While this drunken fool made the right choice, this is a cautionary tale. When given the choice between using a proper receptacle and a sink, choose the friggin' toilet.

**There's a sense of pride upon completing what you feel is a funny post. However, it's hard to stay proud when you realize that you spent upwards of an hour drawing diagrams of a restroom and piss courses in Microsoft Paint.

Wedding Thoughts.

Lot's of weddings going on, as of late. Fridaywas my friend Matt's wedding. As he and his bride Jennifer were wed in what seemed like an endless ceremony, many a thought entered my head. Here are a few....

1) Is there a Catholic wedding workout video? All this sitting, standing, kneeling, sitting.... I'm really feelin' it in my quads.

2) What is the proper wine to serve with body? (This one came during communion)

3) I wonder if Matt will do the dance at the reception. Answer: Yes

See Red(eye)

Monday I returned to Cincy from Hawaii (that's right suckas I went to friggin' Hawaii). The problem, however, is that after a week of relaxation, one still has to deal with the air travel industry. The worst of which was the over night, 5 and a half hour leg from San Fransisco to Philadelphia. It wouldn't have been bad, but for a baby that was quiet for about a total of 30 minutes, screaming its head off the entire trip.

Now, I am aware that you should never, never, never shake a baby. But at 4a.m., when this kid hasn't shut up for 3 hours straight..... I have to say, I was thinking, "Never say never. Maybe you should shake that baby." Perhaps just a jostle.

Random Shower Thought #9

Is picking someone else's nose considered making out to Eskimos?

Beer and Porn

So tonight was a first for me. I've seen alot of things occur in a bar, but I've never had anyone try to sell me porn at a bar.

I'm still a little befuddled.

I went out, because it was a friend (and great bartender's) last night at work. I was sitting with close friends, they left, and I stayed to talk to "not so close" friends. That's when a gentlman came in with a duffel bag, trying to sell his wares. I found out that the wares in question were porn dvds. Then he approached our table.

I sh** you not.

"Do you guys wanna buy some adult dvds?", he asks
We both respond with a hearty, "NO!"

He proceeds to pull a handful of dvds from his duffel. The one on top with the title "My First Black C**k!" At this point I force myself not to say what's on my mind, which would be to ask whether he can insure that each woman is, in fact, taking their first black c**k. Because, if I wikipedia this and find that they are not the womens' first black c**k, I will seek a refund. But I don't know how he will react, so I hold my tongue. ("Hold My Tongue" might have been a title in the bag)

He really hurt sales with the following statements:
1. "I don't watch porn." This made me think of a story I once heard of a pen salesman that took the order in pencil, thus losing the sale.
2. After recanting the previous statement, "I've jerked off on alot of these movies." I think he meant "to" instead of "on", but I'm not willing to take that chance.
3. This might be the quote of the night. "You don't have to worry about screwing some skank with porn. I'd rather get AIDS from my own hand, than get AIDS from some chick I banged." Now I'm informed enough to know that's not how AIDS is transmitted. However, I can't help but think that if he can get it from his own hand.... I should wash mine. After all, I just politely shook his hand. I don't know what strain he might have encountered.

He also tried to say that we couldn't find porn for cheaper, and I told him that, having once been a college student with an internet connection, I'm pretty sure that I could find porn for free.

Taco Smell.

I have a problem with the new Taco Bell commercial with the two girls at a club, one with a bacon chalupa in her purse.

If you haven't already seen the Taco Bell bacon chalupa commercial click here.

My problem? While I, like many other men, do actually like bacon and the smell it gives off; if I meet a girl at a bar, club, party, what have you, I'm pretty sure I'd be turned off if she smells of bacon. So I've rewritten the script to reflect reality.

Girl 1: I love this club....do I smell bacon?

Girl 2: Oh yeah that's me. (opens purse) It's a bacon chalupa from taco bell. Guys love the smell of bacon.

Girl 1: That won't work.

Guy walks up.

Guy: Hi ladies.

Girls: Hey!

Guy: I've recieved several complaints of a bacon smell. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Perhaps you should go home and wash. That can't be healthy.

Girl 2: No it's a chalupa in my purse.

Guy: That's disgusting.

He May As Well Be Wearing A Houndstooth Hat.

This is a recent political discussion I had.

Friend: Do you think you'll vote for Barack Obama?
Me: I can't.
Friend: Why not? You don't agree with his politics?
Me: No. That's not it. It's because I went to UT.
F: That makes no sense.
M: Of course it does. I'm from Tennessee, right?
F: Right.
M: And you know I love the Vols, right?
F: Right.
M: So how in good conscience vote for a man with "Bama" in his name.
F: Wow! So... What if his name was BaROCKY O'TOP?
M: Well, of course, then he'd have my vote hands down.

Fartin' In The Shower.

I love to fart (which may make this my most sophisticated post ever). Anywhere, really: sitting on the couch, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, eating dinner, driving to work, at work, at a bar, at a book store, at church (sorry, God)....really just about anywhere. But my favorite place to fart is the shower. For some uncanny reason that's usually where they are the loudest (perhaps acoustics play a role).

Anyway, suffice it to say today I farted in the shower. However, it was like no other that preceded it. As water ran down my back and the crack of my booty, some of the devil's wind escaped. But from behind the flowing water it made a sort of bubbling sound that I've never heard before. I instantly start laughing. Until....

I can't quite explain the smell. Sort of a hot garbage and rotting carrion, perhaps. I can say it was horrific. You know usually I can handle my own flavor, but this was almost unbearable. I thought I might have to crawl out of the room on all fours, the way you would to avoid smoke inhalation during a fire.

When I returned to consciousness, I tried reconstruct what had happened. I remembered the smell of pure evil. Then I remembered the bubbly fart that had preceded, and I started laughing again.

So the lesson learned is that no matter the price you pay for farting, the laughter makes it all worth it.

.....Oh yeah and don't try to make your own huevos rancheros.

Politically Defect

Nowadays, you have to be careful about every little thing you say.

The other day, I went to Long John Silvers. When I got to the window, there was an African-American lady who took my money. She asked if I wanted condiments, and I replied, "Yeah! Vineger." At which point, I thought to myself, "I really hope she heard the 'vi'". Otherwise, she probabaly thinks I'm filled with hate and very enthusiastic about it.

Who Wouldn't Know The Answer?

I was never a boy scout, but that doesn't mean I don't like being prepared. For example, I hope the following conversation will someday present itself, because I am ready.

Someone: Do you know where I can get a six pound can of hominy?
Me: Why yes! As a matter of fact, I do.

If I Ruled the World

The other day I saw a vanity plate on the back of a Hummer that read "HMR GUY". I guess the fact that he's driving a Hummer isn't conspicuous enough.

Then and there I decided that, if I ruled the world, vanity plates would be banished. However that doesn't seem fair, so I changed my mind. Everyone has to get vanity plates, but you don't get to choose your own. Instead, those who know you best will choose what your plate says.

I'd like to think Hummer guy's would read "BIGDUSH"

(That's "big douche" if you didn't get it)

Random Shower Thought # 8

Do homeless people have to budget their panhandling earnings for markers?

Tuned In To The Pulse Of America.

Local news departments across the country are always fighting for better ratings. I have an idea. Obviously, alot of people watch Law and Order, CSI, and other similar shows. When they promote a new episode, many times they say "ripped from the headlines".

What better way to promote the news? It actually is ripped from the headlines.

Tonight, on News at 6, an all new episode ripped from the
headlines.

Genius.

Crappy Holidays. (aka. Games I Like to Play #4)

Sorry that the Devil's Wind has been somewhat silent (and by no means deadly) as of late, but I assure you I've been doing some thinking and there will be new posts a-coming.

And now on to this one....

I spent the weekend in Tennessee with my family. It was awesome. I won't go into boring details of what we did, but I will tell you about this.

As with most men, my father and I think the act of going number two is funny, and a fun little game we like to play is coming up with new ways to say that this is about to occur. So I'm going to share some of the best I've heard over the years.

Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl

Talk to a man about a horse

Drop the kids off at the pool

Expunge the Files

Pinch a loaf

Drop some wolf bait

Take a growler

Growl one out

Grunt one out

Coming down with a case of the grunts

I'm poking cotton

I'm prarie dogging

I'm turtle heading

Making some stink mud

Make a sequel to Hope Floats

Building a log cabin

Back the bus out of the garage

Code two

Go phone Elvis

and my dad's personal favorite....

Go to the library.

Feel free to share your own in comments.

Where Do You Keep The Chanukah Flea Collars?

I'm not familiar with the traditions of Kwanzaa, but this seems odd.

If anything I'd think you'd need ant and roach spray for Christmas. After all, you have children setting out cookies.

I'd like to thank Jeff H. and Mike O. for contributing the picture.