Just 8 Minutes Left. Don't Lower the Knife, Yet.

Walking the streets of London, you occasionally see signs similar to this one. Police cameras are not a new concept to me. I wasn't surprised to see the signs. I was however intrigued by how they depict cameras. I know London is rich in tradition and sticking to their old ways, but perhaps their technology should be upgraded past the 1890's. In this fast paced world I would imagine it's hard to get the criminals to stand still for 10 minutes for the picture to take.

Don't Aim So High.

I mentioned in the previous post the phrase "mind the gap". While in London I probably heard this phrase appoximately 7563 times....on Monday. For those of you unaware, it is repeated over the PA in the tube (subway). A very pleasant British robot lady repeats it at every stop to remind us to watch our steps as we get on and off of the train. It's lovely.

What is not lovely is public restrooms in London. Not that they are dirty (usually just the opposite), and it's not necessarily the case in all of them, but there is a problem when utilizing the trough. Being a big sports fan, and having gone to many UT games, I am used to the idea of the trough. For those of you unfamiliar, rather than having several urinals, some establiments catering to larger crowds employ a large trough that you have to just go up to and pee. No privacy. I'm not sure but my guess is that trough technology is somewhat new to the UK. I come to this conclusion, simply because every time I was at one, I got peed on. Not directly, but I couldn't help but feel tiny little tinkle droplets hit the side of my arm whenever there was someone next to me. This would then lead me to have to scrub my arms down like an ER doctor when I washed my hands.

My solution?

Men of the UK. We understand the need for troughs in certain establishments. We Americans are happy to stand side by side with you and make water. Just a few suggestions, though. First, aim lower. Try to have your stream hit the point where the side and the bottom meet. Second, lower the pressure. I understand you want to hurry, so as not to miss part of the game. But you guys have to relax. You all have some violent streams. Stop forcing it and just allow it to come out naturally. I'm afraid you're going to hurt yourselves. My final solution, perhaps a PA annoucment. Much like when I get on the elevator and hear "mind the doors", or when I'm on the tube and hear "mind the gap", perhaps we could get the same lady with the pleasant voice to remind us to "mind your splatter."

You Talk Funny.

I just returned from jolly ol' England. I had a great time and would like to thank Deener, Kate, and all of Deener's new friends for making it a great time.

That said...the Brits talk funny. They got all these sayings for everyday things that are completely different from how we say them in the States.

Here are some examples:
Fag means "cigarette"
Flat means "apartment"
Lift means "elevator"
Elevator means "to kill a prostitute"
Washing up liquid means "dish washing detergent"
Dish washing detergent means "to kill a prostitute"
Toilet means "the whole rest room"
Restroom means "a place to rest after killing a prostitute"
Crisps means "Chips"
Chips means "french fries"
French fries means "to kill a French prostitute"
Mind the Gap means "watch your step"
Watch your step means "look at that prostitute, she needs a good killing"

So what have I learned? The English love their sayings. They also love dead prositutes. Who knew?

Plenty of other posts will come of the trip, but I just spent all day travelling and just want to use the restroom (American version) and go to bed.

Once in a Blue Moon.

Tomorrow I leave for England. I asked my friend Deener if they're was anything from the states that she missed and wanted me to bring. She asked if I could smuggle a couple of Blue Moons (that's my girl, only askin' for a brew.) However, I'm not going to do it. Reason #1: I don't have room in my suitcase. #2: Baggage handlers tend to just throw your luggage around (they should be called baggage throwers). I wouldn't want a bottle or two to break, covering my clothes with beer. Besides, my clothes will probably all smell of beer by the time we leave.

Sorry Deener, you'll just have to settle for some animal crackers.

British Throw Down

The journey across the pond will soon be upon us...well, um, upon me, not so much you. Unless "you" are Katie, (which is possible seeing as very few people even read this crap)and then also upon you, as well.

Anywho, back to my point. The trip is near and in trying to understand that which is British, I stumbled upon this vid of 2 English guys really throwin' down. Warning, this can get pretty graphic.

Damn Yankees

I'm sure you've all heard by now. New York Yankees' pitcher Cory Lidle crashed a plane into an apartment high rise in New York. Upon hearing the news, President Bush has called for the invasion of Yankee Stadium. Anyone found harboring or aiding Yankee players will be seen as the enemy.

Pip Pip

In just a little over a week I will be travelling to England with my friend Kate to visit our other friend Deener. I recently learned that they don't have peanut butter. How do you trust a nation without peanut butter.

Here are some other facts that I just learned about England that don't sit well with me:
1. They've never heard of orthodontia.
2. They do not use the word "the".
3. 3 men in downtown London go from home to home at night and steal little pieces of your soul.
4. No indoor plumbing.
5. Every single one of them has a tattoo of Alan Alda (TV's Hawkeye Pierce).
6. They call sausage "bangers", and they call pork chops "sperm dumpsters".
7. The Beatles actually aren't British. They were a band from New Jersey that the country of England hired to pretend they were British, so that England would seem cool.
8. If you can't swim, they push you into a pool. After you've drowned, they eat your heart.
9. You're not allowed to laugh between 3pm and 6:57pm.
10. They smell like cabbage and feet.

Screeeeech!

I'm a week late on this one (My friend Kate already mentioned it). But TV's Screech, otherwise known as Dustin Diamond (not related to the Beastie Boys' Mike Diamond), is in a sex tape. His manager is trying to find a distributor, given the name "Saved by the Smell." I'm not even offended by Screech screwing. I'm offended by the name. There are plenty of good porn titles that could have been used. Here's my list:

"Shaved by the Bell"

"Saved by the Tail"

"Saved by the Balls"

"Shaved by the Balls"

"I'm No Johnny Dakota"

"I'm So Excited!!!"

"Dustin Off My Diamonds"

Those are just the ones I've come up with......What are yours'?

You Say Pajama....

My friend is about to move into a new apartment. As a "house warming" he is talking about having a pajama party. Now, I like a theme party, but I dislike pajama parties. Don't get me wrong, I like a girl in her PJ's. But, when that occurs it's not a "Pajama party", it's a "Readjust Myself All Friggin' Night Long Party".

I just hope he has several throw pillows.

The Harmful Power of Little Dude.

Little dude is back...with a vengeance. Yes, he can dance, but he can also lay the smack down. Don't anger him. (Also don't crouch slightly so that he can climb up your tie) I'm on your side, Little Dude.

Seriously, I friggin' love midgets.

The Healing Power of Little Dude.

Sometimes I have a day that's not so good. I get a little down. I get a little out. But now I have a cure for the down-n-outs. I can simply watch this and I'm back to good. God I love midgets.

Who Rocks the Potty, That Rocks the Body?

The other night I was sound asleep. Actually, not only was I asleep, but I was having a great dream. I don't remember all of the details, but I do know it involved Gary Larson's The Far Side. Suddenly, I was ripped from my slumber by rumbles and grumbles in my tumbles. I left the warm confines of my bed to go make dirt. I was disappointed to find that I simply had a case of the devil's wind (that's right, for those of you who didn't know, the name of this blog is quite simply a fart joke. I stand by it.) Anyway, dispite my dissatifaction with the situation, I did find myself remembering the classic restroom poetry:

Here I sit, Broken Hearted. Came to sh**, but only farted.

Brilliant.
Here are some other classics.

Those who write on bathroom walls, Roll their sh** in tiny balls. Those who read these words of wit, eat those tiny balls of sh**.

In days of old, when knights were bold, and condoms weren't invented. They rapped their c**ks with dirty socks, and babies were prevented.

Here's plenty more.

Games I Like To Play. Pt. 2

So I took a week off from the blog. After Tennessee fell to Florida, I needed some time to wallow in depression. But I'm back, and I have another game to tell you about. I call it "2word".

Here's how to play. Much like my first game, this one takes place when found in a one sided conversation. Only one rule. Every time the person finishes a sentence simply say the last two words of that sentence.

What's that? You would like an example. Sure.

Jabber Jaws: So I was at the store the other day.
Me: other day
JJ: I was going to get some milk.
Me: some milk.
JJ: And guess who I ran into.
Me: Ran Into? (ever so often say the two words as a question)
JJ: Roger...who I went to high school with!
Me: School With!

and so on....It seems dumb, but it is a fun way to add excitement to and otherwise dull situation. Take it, play it, enjoy it.

True English

My friend Deener moved to London for grad. school. I'll miss her, but I'm more worried that those dirty Brits will try to change her. Sure they seem charming, what with their goofy talk and all. But there are some things we should all be aware of, so that we aren't duped by those Shepard's Pie eatin' bastards.....

*Sweet Iced Tea is better than Hot Earl Grey

*Burger and Fries beats Fish and Chips every time

*English Muffin Vs. Our Muffins..




















*America is the home of Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Jim Brown, Peyton Manning, Tiger Woods, Larry Bird, Muhammad Ali and hundreds of other top athletes (too many to name). England is the home of David Beckham and a couple of figure skaters.

*The British think that all Americans are rebel cowboys. They do not however realize that we don't consider that an insult.

*America gave the world Lynyrd Skynyrd. England gave the world the Spice Girls.

*Hooker that Charlie Sheen went to...


Hooker that Hugh Grant went to....
So there we have it. Sure England may be a nice place to visit. But I think we can all agree that the USA is clearly better.

Deener, I hope you're reading.

KFC: The Next Generation.

The KFC Famous Bowls have been going strong for a few months now (you should've known this, seeing as they are "famous"). Potatoes, chicken, corn, gravy, and cheese made convenient and portable by placing them all in the same vessel. No more excessive use of your fork by having to pick each item up seperately. Perhaps if they put it in a blender, I wouldn't have to waste valuable energy chewing.

All this said, I have a sneak preview of KFC's newest menu item.
And I'll let you in on their new slogan: "Why waste bowls? Saddle up to the trough, Fatty!"

I think this will be a huge success.

Ummm.....Yeah.

I would post something about the OSU/UT game on Saturday, but I'm really busy eating all of this crow.

I'm Not Alone.

Ronnie James Dio is cheering for the Longhorns....



...so is KISS...


...Mr. Vernon...


...P-Funk...


...cartoon John Lennon...


Dr. Strange is a fan....



...and who can argue with Spiderman?

What Can I Say? Texas Rocks!!!!

Don't get me wrong, Tennessee is my team. I am in no way saying any football team has my favor over them. But tonight the biggest game is OSU v. Texas. I'm rootin' for the 'Horns. For several reasons.

#1. I hate Ohio State. Almost as much as I hate Michigan. It's close. When they play each other I hope for some way that they can both lose. I've been searching the rule books to see if that's possible....no luck yet.

#2. Texas is a southern state. I gotsta stay true to the South.

#3. Texas' colors are orange and white. Maybe not the God given shade of orange of Tennessee, but orange just the same.

#4. Texas is a UT. Not THE UT (Tennessee), but it's not that big a stretch for me to shout, "LET'S GO UT!!!!"

#5.
TEXAS ROCKS!! How can you not support a team that utilizes the rock hand??? I do this all the time, and not in support of Texas. But if I get to hold up the rock, and cheer for a team at the same time, I'm in.

Games's I Like to Play. Pt. 1

I like a good conversation. I, however, do not like one sided conversations. Don't get me wrong, I'm willing to listen....to a certain point. After you've gone into minute 5 of your diatribe, I realize I'm not getting a word in edgewise. That's when I like to play a game that I like to call "Yeah, Uh Huh, Okay."

Here are the rules:

Upon finding yourself in a one-sided conversation, you then begin to respond by rotating the phrases "Yeah", "Uh Huh", and "Okay".

Your score is determined by how many times you get through the three responses.

After 5 rounds, you are allowed to add "Really?".

Take it, play it, love it.

I got a score of 7 this evening, without the person talking ever knowing.

The Haunting.

My neighbor in the apartment below me is trying to convince me that the house we live in is haunted. I don't really believe such things but....

My doorbell was going off on a regular basis. When going to my door, there was nobody to be found. I unplugged it and thought nothing of it. Until today.... not having electricity to the doorbell, as I showered today, the smoke alarm went off. I checked the entire house (my apartment, neighbor's apartment, and basement). No fire, no smoke.

Now I'm worried that I may have a ghost.

I don't tend to worry about my lodging decisions. Hell, my last apartment was across the street from the projects, and I'd hear thugs and wannabe gangbangers playing basketball and shouting for no reason into the weeee hours of the morning.

It didn't really bother me that the thugs might've had guns....but the ghost doesn't need a ladder to get into my apartment.