So When's the Wedding?

I'm OUT....  from under the rock I've apparently been for the last two years.  Given the momentous events of today, I figured it as good a time as any to start posting again.  Hopefully, I'll continue to do so at a faster clip than my current bi-annual pace.

What follows are a number of possible tweets or status updates that have popped into my brain.  I figured I just get out of my system here all at once.

*On my way home, I was surprised by how little of the world is burning down.  

*In all the excitement today, I wanted to rush out and get same sex married. Then I remembered that I’m already married….and not gay. 

*When all these people move to Canada because universal health care and gay marriage weren't struck down, they are going to be pissed.  

*"Why should a choice someone made impose on my rights?", said a bunch of people who chose to be Christian... wanting to restrict the rights of a group of people that were born gay... on a subject that in no way affects them. 

*Argument:  It’s harmful to the children raised in these marriages.

Me:  I don’t know.  I think that if you ask my daughter how she feels about having two Mommies, she’d jump right on board.

*Dear gay friends.  I’m not saying I’m expecting any invites.  I just feel it’s important to mention that I’m lots of fun at weddings, and I’ll throw in my daughter as a flower girl.  Let’s rock this shizz.

*My wife told me that they threw a surprise baby shower for a girl at work.  Then she called her wife and found out their marriage is recognized all across the country.   I don’t have a joke for that, I just think it’s beautiful.

*Somewhere there is a guy that’s been camping for a week.  Tomorrow he’s going to go on Facebook and be so confused.  

        “So, South Carolina had to take down the Confederate flag so gay people can marry it?”  

*As a Christian I’m just happy that now that same-sex marriage is legal, there won’t be so many homosexuals living in sin.

Now everyone is free to try the cobbler.

Congratulations

Random Shower Thought #23

When was the term "high tech" coined?  Did someone look at Eli Whitney and say, "Interchangeable parts?  Why that's high technology claptrap"?

I'd like to think so.

Steam Engine?  That's a mere fad.

Pie Do

Marriage is like cherry cobbler.  It might not be to everyone's liking, but everyone should be given the opportunity to have some.

 Except there is no finite number of weddings that can occur, but there's only so much cobbler.  So I guess my point is, every person despite their differences, should be allowed to wed and be recognized in the eyes of the law.  But get your own cobbler, gays.  This one's mine.

A Cute Indigestion

When I was younger, my cousin had a hamster that got pregnant (probably due to lack of responsible sex education in hamster high schools).  I remember him telling me about her having the babies.  I was very excited to see them.  However, no one told him that you have to separate the baby hamsters from mama hamster.  By the time I was able to go over to see them, she had proceeded to eat all of her little hamster children.  So instead of seeing unthinkably adorable hamster babies, I saw a less than adorable bloody stump of what was left of the last one.  I just couldn't fathom what would cause a parent to eat her own young.  Until now...


Look at those cheeks.  I just want to bite them.  Don't worry.  I'm not going to eat my child. No one is going to come over to see a Lil' Bit stump.  I do have slightly more cognitive capacity than that of your everyday house hamster.  I'm just saying that a part of me wants to eat her for being so cute.  It's nature.

Please Stop Sharing the Morgan Freeman Post

There is currently a statement regarding the Newtown shooings attributed to Morgan Freeman making its way around the internet. Morgan Freeman probably didn't say this.  Even if he did, it is wrong.  The media is simply doing its job in reporting.

Blame them for rushing to air before checking facts.  Get angry at them for swarming on this small town, while it tries to heal.  Be disgusted at the tacky overuse of interviews with children.  But you cannot blame them for reporting the facts. You cannot blame them for reporting the name and showing a picture of the shooter (although I would question the use of a picture that is seven years old).   This story has gripped the nation.  And like it or not there is a desire, want, need (whatever you may call it) to see and know what kind of monster could do such a thing.  The news media has a duty to get that information to us.  If they didn’t, there would be a rally cry from all the news haters as to why they aren’t doing their job.  

One could argue that the Aurora shootings were influenced by the Batman movies themselves.  But where is fake Mr. Freeman’s outcry to shut down Hollywood?  Should all violence in movies be banned?  Should we stop watching Batman (a series that the real Mr. Freeman starred in)?  No.   An entire industry can’t possibly be held responsible for what one mentally tormented individual might do.

This person was a tragically flawed individual.  He most likely wasn’t seeking fame.  Rather, he was likely a mentally unstable individual that wanted to make as big an impact as he could and felt this was how.  In reality, we will probably never know what could lead someone to do such a thing. 

 Tragedies happen.  It’s natural to want to place blame.  It’s easy to blame the media (or any other industry).  But attributing false blame and misplaced anger helps no one.  Instead of pointing fingers, let’s look at how we can see the signs that someone is suffering mentally and might cause harm to others.  Let’s look at how we might better protect our school children.  Let’s talk about how we can approach subjects like this with our own children.  But most importantly, right now, let’s look at how we can help the village of Newtown heal.

One thing that most certainly does not help achieve any of these things is spreading this message of misplaced anger.  One that the author could stand behind him/herself, so they used Morgan Freeman to help it go viral.  

Poop Happens

I've been a dad for over a week now.  It's probably about time I start doling out parenting advice.

In all seriousness (perhaps), I share something that I have learned in my first week.  Bathe the baby before you bathe yourself.  I learned this when Lil' Bit pulled the hat trick on me during bath time.

I had just showered, and now it was Lil' Bit's turn for a wash.  As the wife was getting soap and a wash cloth, I was tasked with undressing our little one.  She took this opportunity to turn her head and spit up on my arm.  OK.  That's fine.

Now undressed, as the wife gets the bath water to proper temperature, I feel something warm running down my side.  Our beautiful daughter (inspired by the running water) had peed on me.  Shirt and pants are now urine soaked, but I'm cool with it.  Let's get this tot washed.

Bath time continues.  We wash her.  I sit down to set her on my lap and wash her back.  PPPLLPPT!  A nice warm deucer on my leg.  Trifecta.  Lil' Bit had officially protested this washing with all three holes.  My girl is an achiever.

Let this be a lesson, daddy.

And this goes to the main lesson I've learned in my first week.  Poop happens, and it's going to happen. on you.  I have lived on this planet for 33 years, and no one has ever pooped on me.  In one week of parenthood, I've been pooped on at least a dozen times.  That's more than once a day.  There is no way to avoid it, but as a parent, eventually you'll be pooped on.  Not every time you change a diaper, and probably not as often as my bad time has let me.  The Wife has nowhere near the stats that I do, but she's gotten a couple.  

And just when I thought I had it figured out, Lil' Bit changes the game.  Last night, I heard the juicy bugle that sounds from a big mess being made.  I waited.  It sounded again, but I'm no fool.  I know what's up.  I waited a couple more minutes.  A third time.  OK, let's move on in.   I get her diaper off, clean her little butt, and BOOM!  She projectile shits all over me, the sheets, and the floor.  

It is at this point that I must apologize for the crassness of the previous sentence.  However, I can't classify this as a mere poop.  When it is in the diaper, it's a poop.  When it shoots (SHOOTS) two and a half feet from her little rear and covers your arm, it is shit.  And that's what she did to Daddy.  

And all I can do is clean it up, laugh it off, and commit it to the internet to embarrass her later in life.  

I love my wife more than anyone on this planet, but if she were to ever crap on me, I'd divorce her tomorrow.  But this little girl gets a pass.  For now.   I guess it's all just part of being a dad.

From Here to Maternity

I haven't forgotten about you.  However, the last few months have been very busy, as my wife has been making a human being.  On Tuesday our Lil' Bit was born and so many things need to be expressed.  

First, let's be honest.  The Wife did ALL of the work here.  That said, I will gladly ride her coattails in this endeavor.

Having said that.  It would be nice, if the hospital would take dad into the consideration.  I know mom and baby take priority, but could I get a sandwich?  You are getting a lot of our money, after all.  Also, I'm not particular about where I sleep, but, criminy, where did you purchase the pull out chairs for dads to sleep on?  I'm already not getting sleep; what little I do get should at least be not unpleasant.  Does that thing have a spine puncher that activates when I begin to doze off?  How can a hospital support anyone sleeping on such a monstrosity that can only be detrimental to one's health and well being?  How can something be so uncomfortable to sleep on that it makes my scrotum sore.

I will over look it all, though, because both the Wife and Lil' Bit came home a day early, and are healthy.

So, I reckon it's worth it in the end.

We still haven't gotten alot of sleep (beacause apparently our daughter is part opossum), but everyone is happy and healthy.  More posts are sure to come.

I'm Loathing It.

Eating a McGriddle fills me with so much shame that I feel a life in politics would be out of the question.  But it's so good.

Oh you syrupy whore, you.

Random Shower Thought #22

Disney is a multi-billion dollar company.  So, then, why is an insult to call something a Mickey Mouse operation?

Nuts and Honey

I came across this Honey and Oat cereal bag at my local grocer.  Normally, I wouldn't have payed much attention, but the little cartoon kangaroo caught my eye.

I couldn't help but wonder "why the kangaroo for a honey oat cereal?"  Then I noticed this:

 Ah.  Mateys.  That's why the kangaroo.  I guess she's kind of this company's mascot or something.  But then:

 OH COME ON!  I can forgive honey and oats, but you've put the word "buzzers" right there in the name.  And still with the kangaroos.  I get it.  You like the kangaroos, but shouldn't they at least have a bee friend join them on the bag...of "HONEY BUZZERS"?  How hard is it to draw a bee?  This might be the most ridiculous name/mascot combination I've ever seen.


But then...

Carving Out A Future

Recently, I was shooting a story at the University of Cincinnati.  I had gotten my shots of a class and was waiting for an interview with the professor, when I noticed the graffiti infront of me.  

While I can't condone defacing public property, I did find the following message a little inspiring.

If some kid really believes this and turns negativity on its head, maybe (just maybe) there's hope for our future.  Perhaps there are other inspiring messages to be found.

 Well.

 Maybe not.

America's future, everyone.

King of Wrap

It's been a while since I've eaten at Burger King, but I do remember a story a little while back about them overhauling their look.  Today, in a fit of hunger and impatience I decided just to grab a Whopper.

Now I'm not exactly Mr. Treehugger Green, but I also don't like overly contributing to the landfill.  This seems a bit unnecessary.  Why is a box needed when a wrapper did just fine?  Then I opened it to find this:

Dammit, King.  I oppose this on two fronts.  First this wrapper is only here for the sake of making trash.  Secondly, I don't like to feel as though I just woke my lunch up from a nap.

Shower Power

I apologize to all of you who have been clamoring for a new post.  A lot has been going on in the meat world and creating a Devil's breeze has taken a back burner.  But I will regale you with this tale.

There are two bathrooms in our home.  The upstairs bathroom is the Wife's.  Today, I decided just to use her shower, rather than going downstairs.  The problem is that , as a woman, she has abandoned the use of bar soap.  So, I was left to choose from her collection of liquid cleansers.  With a thick lather on my torso and arms  , I began to soap up my legs when I notice a very large bubble had formed between said torso and arms.

I then tried to recreate the effect on my back to attempt filling the bubble with farts.

That's all.  I don't have a punchline.  Just tried to make a soapy fart bubble in the shower today.

Do you still wish I would post more often?

Pissing the Time Away

A recent Sunday morning conversation...

Me: 2 minutes 20 seconds.

Wife: Huh?

Me: It took me 2 minutes 20 seconds.

Wife: Did you just time yourself peeing?

Me: Yup. Pretty impressive, right?

Wife: Why on earth would you do that?

Me: Why would you put a clock with a second hand in the bathroom?

Random Shower Thoughts #21

If Superman gets his powers from our solar system's yellow sun, then why doesn't he lose his powers when goes to other galaxies. Shouldn't there be a super corpse floating somewhere just past Pluto?

AND. If the sun's yellow light is so strong that it gives Superman all of his abilities, shouldn't it be so strong that it takes away all of Green Lantern's powers. After all his weakness is the color yellow.

Gglakk, indeed.

Pics From My Phone #3

Though I know I'm not supposed to, I will totally judge this book by its cover. And the cover leads me to believe it's the greatest book ever written.

So there is no need for my to waste time reading.

Sleep Talker

My beautiful wife and I were watching a movie last night. She started to doze off, so decided to forego the ending and go to bed. Once the movie ended, I decided to venture off to dreamland myself.

As I made my way through the darkness of the bedroom, the following conversation took place. I should mention that she talks in her sleep from time to time (this being one of those times).

Wife: Nothing?

Me: What?

W: Nothing?

M: Oh. About the movie?

W: No.

M: What are you talking about, Sweetheart?

W: Turkey, you know what I'm talking about!

M: I promise I have no idea.

This is where I realize she is still asleep. I lifted the blanket to get into bed and find that her leg is stretched clean over to my side.

M: Dammit, woman. Move your leg so I can get in bed.

W: TURKEY LURKEY!!! Don't you change the subject!

M: (laughing) I'm not. I just have no idea what you're talking about.

W: You're giggling. Why are you giggling, if you don't know?

M: That makes no sense.

W: (mumbles something) Television.

M: What about the television?

W: ....(silence)

That's it. That's where it ended. It's hard to sleep, when you're trying to piece together what could possibly be going on in that little noggin of hers.

So I whispered things in her ear to try to affect her dreams.

Pics From My Phone #2

The following sign resides in my hometown. In the proper context, it is to keep children safe as they climb around on a bronze cow statue outside of a dairy.

But I think similar signs should find themselves hanging behind the bars of Athens, TN.

Pics From My Phone #1

As I was going through my phone's photo album, I realized that there are alot of pics that I've taken with the intention of sharing them here on the Wind. I just never got around to doing so... until now. This is the first in a series of pics that, for some reason or another, I felt were humorous. Hopefully I remember why I took them, and can share. Otherwise, we'll just have to try to figure it out together. And with that, I give you the first installment.

I actually took this one while the Wife and I were on our honeymoon in San Francisco. My reaction was "Look! He thinks he's a people!"

Perhaps the Jaguar hood ornament makes him think he's chasing a cat.

Mile High.

The Wife is spending the next couple of days in Denver. She claims it's for work, but I think the gastrointestinal repercussions of Bacon Week may be the culprit.

As she was packing:

Me: I need to stop at the bank and get some singles, since you're gonna be gone.

Wife: Oh yeah? And why might that be?

Me: Daddy's goin' to the CAR WASH!!!

Wife: While the cat's away...

Me: ...the mice do menial chores, baby.