Boob Tube

I bought a new tv. It's a 40 inch flat panel made by Polaroid. It's pretty awesome, except when I turn it on I have to shake it and blow on it.

Now that I have this portal to the world of broadcast, I got Direct TV. I haven't had cable for almost 4 years, and thought that I should have more than 3 channels (5 on a clear day). Now, I find myself mesmerized by the fact that I have over 200 channels and apparently feel the need to try to watch all of them.

Cinemax is one of them. I don't nessecarily watch Cinemax, as much as I just flip it over on occasion to see if I can catch a glance of boobies (I also seem to lose maturity when it comes to this subject). Here's the deal, boobs are like one of my Top 10 favorite things to look at....Top 5....Top 3.....Hell, they ARE the Top 2.

And ladies, I'm gonna let you know, the size doesn't matter. It's really more proximity. A small pair that's close to me beats a large pair far away every time.

That's Nutty.

I was looking at a can of delicious Planter's peanuts and something hit me. Mr. Peanut is not the lovable legume icon we've been led to believe.

Think about it. He's a peanut, but what does he do for a living. He endorses a company that sells peanuts for consumption. He's turned his back on his own kind just to make a quick buck. I know that top hat and monocle are supposed to make me think he's sophisticated, but they are a poor disguise. I see your true self Mr. Peanut.

But he's not alone....

Mr. Frostee....Selling your ice cream brethren. To children no less....for shame.
Mayor McCheese....I know hamburgers are tasty. I don't need you selling out your own people to get me to want one. I'm even more disgusted that the voting public keeps re-electing you, despite your treachery.

Kool-Aid Man.... You're actually a punch bowl with Kool-Aid in it. So technically you're not selling out your kind. However, you are very adamant about getting folks to drink your blood, which is just creepy. OH NOOOO! Then there's the Famous Dave's pig. Wow! Will you stop at nothing to get a spot in the lime light? I mean the other guy's just turned their backs. But your lust for fame has turned you evil. Not only are you cooking other pigs for the public, but it appears as though you may also be looking to enjoy some of those ribs. Cannibalism does not suit you pig....I just doesn't suit you.

Having said all this I would now like to proudly anounce that I have become the newest spokesperson for Nerds candy.


Sorry Brothers......

You Da' Christ!!!

Some Jehova's Witnesses left this pamphlet on my doorstep.

Now, I don't get into the "what did Jesus look like" debate. I've heard people go on as to whether he was black, white, or any other color of the rainbow. My thinking is this...Who cares? Shouldn't his teachings be the most important thing, not what he looked like? Having said this I can guarantee that he did not look like this.....

I don't know when styling gel and beard trimmers were invented, but I'm pretty sure it was after 33 A.D.

That'd Be the Sh**!

A couple weeks ago, I saw on the news that a doctor had his basement painted to look exactly like "the Horseshoe" of Ohio State. A mural painter spent months to make sure ever painstaking detail was in there.

Obviously, I don't have the money the doctor has. So I can't have an entire basement painted. However, as a staunch University of Tennessee fan, I wonder if I could afford for that guy to paint Florida's "Swamp" in the bowl of my toilet.

I can't think of a better place to lay a fresh brown trout.

Random Shower Thought #5.

If you add the words "of Death", "of Destruction", or "of Doom" to the end of any household item, it sounds like a really awesome action/horror movie from the 80's.

"Coupon of Death" starring Dolph Lundgren
"Armchair of Destruction" starring Chuck Norris
"Cheese Slicer of Doom" Co-starring Chuck Norris and Dolph Lundgren

(Try it yourselves. Just remember either Chuck Norris or Dolph Lundgren has to star in it.)

Lettuce Pray for My Soul

Yesterday, I felt as though my circulatory system was getting a little uppity and needed to be put in its place. So I tried the new Baconator(TM) at Wendy's. Two beef patties, two slices of cheese and six strips of bacon found their way down my gullet.

I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's not good to feel tired after eating a sandwich.

Why Fiddle With a Good Thing?

The other night I was at my favorite bar. A band had been playing. They had a mandolin and fiddle, so I'm sure I would have liked them had I gotten there during their set. However, I did not and to kill the silence in the room, I plunked a few quarters in juke box. That's when Mr. Fiddle decides he wants to strum along. What the F? Really?

So now rather than hearing Arrested Development sing Tennessee, I'm hearing Arrested Development sing Tennessee and what sounds like Charlie Daniels having a seizure. Then Mr. Mandolin contributes to what I can only describe as noise pollution. I wouldn't have even been that mad, but they wouldn't even stop for the flute solo in Locomotive Breath.

So thank you band members, for causing my quarters to be wasted.....at least you're not Fergie.

Here's Locomotive Breath live circa 1977.

Anti-gravity of the Situation.

So teardrop tattoos on the cheek under the eye apparently represent that the bearer has killed someone in prison. So I was think about getting an upside down teardrop above my eye, to signify that I've killed someone.....in space.

Evolution of Justice

Kate the Great has Katology on her blog. Obviously I could (as she requests) fill out my own The Kevinology, but I'm too lazy to do so. But the following question caught my attention.

Q. Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?

My answer: If granted immunity, I would kill Fergie. Hell keep the money, I'll do it for free. I'm not even sure I need the immunity. Playing the "music" of Ms. Ferguson for any judge would most likely ensure my freedom.

Upon hearing this my friend B-rye suggested using her own CD as the murder weapon.

Now, I'm not sure murder is necessary. She'd probably go to hell, and they'd obviously be playing her CD on a loop, and her ego would get even bigger.

I guess shoving a broken shard of her CD into both of her ear drums (to simulate what her music does to the rest of the hearing world) would suffice.

Until that time, here's a picture of her peeing herself on stage.

Justice begins......

Tribute

Several folks are upset with WWE for their decision to air a 3 hour special celebrating the career of Chris Benoit, who was found dead of an apparent suicide, after having apparently murdering his wife and young son. In defense of World Wrestling Entertainment, it is not unprecedented to pay tribute to an apparent killer.

Here are just a few of the many shows to do so:

Overhaulin' salutes Rae Carruth
MTV Rockumetary: Marvin Gaye's Dad
BBC celebrates Jack the Ripper
The Bozo Show featuring John Wayne Gacy
Psychic Friends Network's "Zodiac Killer Variety Hour"
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Manson.
Beretta reruns
Good Eats tribute to Jeffery Dahmer
Sports Century: OJ

Addendum: In a rare serious tone for the Devil's Wind, this post is by no means, meant to make light of the tragedy surrounding the Benoit family. Instead, it is to make fun of the tasteless way Vince McMahon and the rest of WWE handled the situation. No doubt, Benoit was phenomenal at what he did, but to pay tribute to a guy who appears to have killed his wife and son is utter insanity. Next time....I don't know....air a rerun.

Games I Like to Play #3.

I've noticed that as I enjoy round after round of cold beers, I also have to urinate more frequently. So I came up with the Restroom Football. The rules are as follows.

1. The goal is to pee in the same receptacle (urinal or toilet) every time you go to the restroom. Doesn't seem that tough, huh? Try this at a crowded bar.

2. In the event that your goal toilet is taken during a trip you can call an audible. The audible means that you can use a different receptacle, however during subsequent trips you must attempt to use each and every receptacle in the restroom. Obviously larger restrooms present themselves as tougher opponents.

3. If you've gone for the audible, and it's doubtful that you'll use the restroom enough times to get to each receptacle, you can go for the Hail Mary. To accomplish this you must use each receptacle in one visit. That's right, go a little, pinch it off, go to the next one, until you've used them all (yes, I'm insane). I don't suggest the Hail Mary if there are others in the restroom, but that's totally up to you.

Restroom Football aside, test your urinal ettiquette here.

Random Shower Thought #4.

The Bat Signal wouldn't work if it's not cloudy.

Eh...I Bought It To See Barry Weintraub Anyway.

I was at Meijer the other night because a needed some milk. Alot of times after I grab what will soon my my milk, I will walk by the DVDs to peruse the newest in stock. That's when I came across this....
Comedy Club Greats!!! How could I pass this up, and for only $10? I could tell the clips would be a little older ( since Sandler hasn't done stand-up for years, and Atell actually had hair), but these guys are greats. So I get home, pour a glass of milk, and put this newly found gem in the player. So Sandler is first, and I'd forgotten that his stand-up wasn't really the greatest, but still pretty funny for the most part. Then I sit through about 9 comics I've never heard of (okay actually it's 8, because I have heard of Mark Schiff, but not during the past decade). Then we get to Dave Attell, who is one of my favorite comics. Alot of his segment was jokes of his that I'd heard before, but still good.

Then we get to Seinfeld. Awesome....or so I thought. The voice over guy says "and now Jerry Seinfeld!", and he comes to the stage tells two jokes. Then it goes to a shot of Grauman's Chinese Theater, and the voice over guy says "Well that's it for now, but be on the look out for more editions of Comedy Club Greats!"

What!?!?!? He only got through two jokes! I could tell he was planning on telling more and probably did. But I will never know, because the fine folks at Lionsgate felt it only necessary to share two Seinfeld jokes with the audience. It's always better not to feature too much of the best known comedian of the bunch on your comedy DVD. He's at the top of the damn cover! That should be some sort of hint that you should put more of him in your little presentation!!!!!!!!!

Through my rage I was able to regain focus. I went back and timed just how long Seinfeld was actually shown. One minute and thirty four seconds! I guess the 95th second would've been too much to stand. Then I looked down and saw this....
This is somewhat false advertising. Because I can tell you the laughs sure as sh** stopped after a mere 94 seconds of Seinfeld.

I guess they need to cut down the run time in order to get all 7 minutes and 11 seconds of Bob Rubin's act on the disc.

"Who's Bob Rubin?", you may ask. My answer is "EXACTLY!!!!"

I can tell you this, I will not be on the look out for more editions of Comedy Club Greats.

Why the Change?

A friend at work asked me for a dime for the coffee machine at work. All I had was a quarter, so he gave me the 15 cents that he'd already gathered (as I type this, I've just learned that the cent sign is not present on the keyboard.) Looking at the nickel, we first thought it was Canadian, but no, we have new nickels.

Well, not too new. It is a couple of years old. But did the nickel need a facelift? I mean hell it's taken me two years to notice a difference. Were there lots of nickel counterfeiters and we needed a new design? Damn you, nickel counterfeiters.

But it doesn't end there. I guess this design wasn't good enough. The nickel counterfeiters of the world were not detered for very long because the design was changed once again the next year. The NC's are quite the crafty bunch.


A little less creepy than the other extreme close-up version. But I do wonder why they asked TV's Dr. House to play Jefferson. He's a good actor and all, but couldn't the U.S. Mint hire an American to portray T.J. on our five cent piece?

They're Back!

That's right. Furniture humping super group, Peer Pressure is back. Don't be upset, but apparently the reluctant Friend 3 did come to the realization that he was not ready for fame. I do however appreciate the warning "may cause wet panties" in the opening title, because I almost pissed myself from laughing so hard.
I can't help of think of the time my sister's dog had a colon infection and kept dragging her ass on the carpet.

Ottomans: The Furniture World's Dirty Whore.

Where to start?
I guess with the back story.
Friend 1: I have a great idea.
Friends 2-3: Yeah? What's that?
Friend 1: You know how we can't get any women and end up humping furniture?
Friends 2-3: Of course!
Friend 1: Well, what if we recorded ourselves humping the ottoman, then put it on the web?
Friend 3: Why would we do that?
Friend 2: To show women what great sexual techniques we've developed.
Friend 4: This is brilliant.
Friend 5: I'm totally in.
Friend 3: I don't know this seems a bit strange, and kind of embarassing.
Friend 2: Well just remember that when hordes of ladies are banging at the door for us you'll still be furniture humpin'.
Friend 1: Don't worry, Friend 3. I'll let you have the ottoman after that.
Friend 3: (reluctantly) Okay, I'm in.
Friends 1,2,4, and 5: Hells Yeah!

and scene.

The Alford Aproach.

Me + Blog = Making Fun of Jackasses.

I probably shouldn't take pictures while driving, but this ad for Alford Motors caught my eye.

I have a couple issues with the advertising geniuses that came up with this idea.

First, I'm no expert in the field of auto sales. However, I'm pretty sure if you have a job and a down payment that does, in fact, equal a car today....anywhere. This formula is not exclusive to Alford Motors. I don't quite get the emphasis on "today", either. Again, I'm no expert, but I don't think other dealerships are subject to a waiting period.

I think you should just be honest in your ad and make your slogan, "Alford Motors: We Have Nothing to Brag About!!!!"

How about "Alford Motors: Need for More Business + Lack of Advertising Talents = This Ad."

These are just suggestions.

The second issue I have is this. It's on the outside of the bus. The majority of the people who see it will be driving, so they already have a car. Put the ad inside the bus. Those folks probably need a car. Not to mention they may not know the whole down pamement plus job equation. Maybe that's why they're on the bus.

I would also like to add that today I saw a car broken down on the side of the road with an Alford plate on the front. The temporary tag on the back tells me the car was recently purchased. So maybe, "Alford Motors: You Giving Us Money + Us Giving You Car = Deep Regret Tomorrow."

I'm Not Going to Shiver Your Timber.

I was recently reminded of this story. I thought I'd share it with y'all.

About two years ago I went to a local tavern and grill to share some drinks with friends. Actually, we each had our own drink, so we didn't really share. Anyway, at some point during the evening I noticed a guy near the bar that looked like a pirate. I mean this cat had long red hair in a pony tail, a fu manchu mustache, and (the topper) he was wearing a puffy white shirt. Now, I don't know if his swashbuckley look was intentional, but it was dead on. I pointed the dude out to some friends and commented that if I were to make a movie about pirates, I would cast this fella for authenticity sake.

As the night moved forward, I felt the need to make water. As I made my way through the crowd I was abruptly stopped by what I thought was a bunch of bananas to the chest. I looked and it was actually a giant pirate hand. At least it wasn't a hook. The following is the exchange that took place.

Pirate: Do you wanna go home and have sex?
Me: Yes, but not with you, amigo.

As I walked away, Gay Pirate (aka GP) yelled "I saw you lookin!"

At this point I had two options. A) Turn around and point out that, while I was looking, it was due to his freebooter-like appearance, nothing else...or B) Ignore it and go to the restroom.

I chose the latter.

Unfortunately, the rest of the evening, anytime I went to the restroom I had to look over my shoulder to make sure GP didn't sneak up behind me and try to "walk my plank".

Random Shower Thought #3.

How does that whole "born again virgin" thing work?

I hope it doesn't reset automatically if you haven't gotten any in a while. Man, it took me 19 years to get rid of it the first time.