I'm Not Going to Shiver Your Timber.

I was recently reminded of this story. I thought I'd share it with y'all.

About two years ago I went to a local tavern and grill to share some drinks with friends. Actually, we each had our own drink, so we didn't really share. Anyway, at some point during the evening I noticed a guy near the bar that looked like a pirate. I mean this cat had long red hair in a pony tail, a fu manchu mustache, and (the topper) he was wearing a puffy white shirt. Now, I don't know if his swashbuckley look was intentional, but it was dead on. I pointed the dude out to some friends and commented that if I were to make a movie about pirates, I would cast this fella for authenticity sake.

As the night moved forward, I felt the need to make water. As I made my way through the crowd I was abruptly stopped by what I thought was a bunch of bananas to the chest. I looked and it was actually a giant pirate hand. At least it wasn't a hook. The following is the exchange that took place.

Pirate: Do you wanna go home and have sex?
Me: Yes, but not with you, amigo.

As I walked away, Gay Pirate (aka GP) yelled "I saw you lookin!"

At this point I had two options. A) Turn around and point out that, while I was looking, it was due to his freebooter-like appearance, nothing else...or B) Ignore it and go to the restroom.

I chose the latter.

Unfortunately, the rest of the evening, anytime I went to the restroom I had to look over my shoulder to make sure GP didn't sneak up behind me and try to "walk my plank".

Random Shower Thought #3.

How does that whole "born again virgin" thing work?

I hope it doesn't reset automatically if you haven't gotten any in a while. Man, it took me 19 years to get rid of it the first time.

Random Shower Thought #2.

Did I wash my hair already? Oh well, even if I did, the bottle says repeat.

Random Shower Thought.

Are there pig farms in the Middle East? If so...why?

I Hear Marmaduke's Doing Lemonade Commercials.

As I've mentioned before, I like Kool-Aid. So the other day as I was perusing the powdered drink aisle at my local grocer (aka. Meijer), I noticed that the Meijer brand is being endorsed by everyone's favorite comic strip cat. Of course, I had to stop to see what he had to say.


Oh man! Classic Garfield. You've taken that old saying and replaced the word bowl with the word drink. You are one clever cat.

Dear sweet Jesus!!! This one took me a little bit to get, but then I realized that grape had replaced great. Pure comedy genius! You are one funny feline.


Ummm. Ok...I guess you replaced the word orange with orange. Maybe, you replaced fruit with color. I gotta be honest, Garf, this is not your best joke. This next one's gonna be killer. I just know it.


What? "Your best friends are strawberries"? That doesn't make sense. You've not only passed on saying "this should be 'berry' good", or even "I can't wait to put my straw in this" (feel free to take notes, Garfield). You want me to believe that you have somehow gotten this inanimate piece of fruit to befriend you? I have lost all respect for you.

I hate you.

I'm a Survivor

I have made it through the first two rounds of the NCAA Tourney and St. Patrick's Day, and I've learned some things.

1. Three days of power drinking is still as fun as it was in college.
2. It's much harder to recover from, than it was in college.
3. Nothing soaks up a hangover better that greasy food. Thank you Long John Silver.
4. Not only can I take a punch, I can take a book to the face the very next day.
5. Bruce Pearl is awesome. Actually I already knew that.

I'm Back....and Happy!

"You haven't posted in a while", you said. "Mind your own damned business", I responded. But now I'm back.

Also I'm super excited about this weekend. "Why?" you may ask, and I will tell you.

1. I've got 5, count 'em 5, days off.

2. Saturday is St. Patty's day. I enjoy beer with food coloring in it, makes it like a magical potion.

and the 3rd reason.....March Madness is here. So during my 5 days off I will watch so much basketball that I may go crazy, and drink so much beer during that time that I will in fact...um...go crazy.

So who am I cheering for? Tennessee is the obvious choice, but I also have to admit that I am also pulling for Miami of Ohio.

"Why?" you may ask. "You're awfully damned nosy aren't you?" I reply. But I'll tell you anyway. Coach Charlie Coles is insane. I'm not talking "really into the game" insane. I mean full blown "naked in the front yard" kind of insane. I'm not going to lie....he scares me, but darn it if I can't get enough.

Why Did He Call Me a Bundle of Sticks?

Last week NBA player John Amaechi announced that he is gay. I think alot of people were shocked. I couldn't believe it......John Amaechi played in the NBA? Who knew?

As I'm sure you all know, right in the middle of this story is former player Tim Hardaway. After his controversial comments on homosexuality, alot of people have come down on him. Tim stopped by Devil's Wind to defend his comments. Here's that interview.

Kevin: Thanks for stopping by. Can I get you something to drink? Milk, ginger ale, sweet tea?

Tim Hardaway: You comin' on to me? You know I don't do that.

K: No, just thought you might like something to drink. Have a seat.

TH: No way. Sitting down is for gays. I don't let nothing touch my butt.

K: Ok, stand then....Let's get started. You said you hate gay people, and alot of people took offense. But, how do you feel about other people?

TH: Such as?

K: Heterosexuals.

TH: No man. I hate heterosexuals. I am a heterophobe. I don't go near straight people. I keep my distance.

K: Well, then what about your wife?

TH: No man. I hate my wife. I am a wife-a-phobe. I don't go near her. I keep my distance.

K: Ok....strange. How about children?

TH: No man. I hate children. I am a child-o-phobe. I don't go near kids. I keep my distance.

K: You hate kids? What about your own children?

TH: No man. I hate my children. I am a my children-o-phobe. I don't go near my kids. I keep my distance.

K: WHAT??? But surely the first time you held your kids, you felt some love for them.

TH: No man. I ain't never touched my kids. Touching kids is what pedophiles do. I ain't know pedophile.

K: What about when your mom held you as a baby?

TH: My mom ain't a pedophile. She never held me.

K: Explains alot. Ok...how about animals?

TH: No man. I hate animals. I am an animal-o-phobe. I don't go near animals. I keep my distance.

K: Plants?

TH: No man. I hate plants. I am a plant-o-phobe. I don't go near plants. I keep my distance.

K: Ok, I guess you hate everyone and everything. Is there anything you don't hate?

TH: Gummi worms.

Name Game

So, not only am I too lazy to post, I'm also a dirty thief. I saw this on my pal Kate's blog, I liked it and I stole it. I make no bones about it.

1. YOUR REAL NAME: Kevin Todd K.........

2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle.)Kevizzle

3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME:(fav color and fav animal)Green Monkey

4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, and current street)Todd Vista

5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME:(the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)Kuyke

6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME:(Your 2nd favorite color, and favorite drink).Blue Sweet Tea (if it's supposed to be an adult beverage) Blue Coors Light

7. YOUR IRAQI NAME:(2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, and last letter of your moms middle name)Eyoiaje

8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(parents middle names) James Carlene

9. YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)Black Blacky

I think mine is broken, Kate's was better. Although I do like the "Green Monkey".

All You Need Is Stubb's

One Meijer Brand frozen pizza...
.....ehhh.



One Meijer Brand frozen pizza with Stubbs BBQ sauce..... ...EXCELLENT!!!!

And to you Mr. C.B. Stubblefield.... ....Thank you, sir.

A Cautionary Tale

Is it just me or are people just gettin dumber? The other day I saw the following warning on the lid of a Rubbermaid tub.


Does this need to be here? Of course this is a bad idea. You'll never get the lid on, if the kid's sitting up. Maybe put a pillow in there to get the rugrat to lay down.

I Need Another Fix, Mom.

When I went to Tennesse a couple weekends ago, my mom sent a jar of salsa that she'd made back with me. I stuck it in the fridge and almost forgot about it. Then a few days ago, I opened it. It was awesome. In fact, I couldn't stop eating it. I couldn't even stop dipping chips long enough to go get a bowl. I probably wouldn't have gotten a bowl but the salsa level dropped below that which would allow easy chip access. Last night I finished the last of the jar (two days after having opened it). After I poured the last drops into a bowl, I contemplated a means of which I could get what was left along the sides of the jar (perhaps upside down on a plate and wait for gravity to do its job).

I'm seriously addicted. I'm so cold. I gotta get my hands on some more.

Oddly when I asked my mom to send another jar, she told me "the first taste is free, you gotsta pay to keep it goin'." I think she's been watching the Snoop Dogg.

May Your Year Be Happy.....and Gay.

Here it is. A new year. Feels kinda like last year thus far. But, it did start on a humorous note (well, at least my friends haven't stopped laughing). Last night, a couple friends and I went to our regular watering hole to celebrate the one second that is the holiday of New Years Eve. While there, my friend Kristan took it upon herself to try to find me a lady. That's when she introduced me to a girl named Virginia. As we were talking Kristan excused herself (she's good at wingman). Not long after that, I was thrown for a loop. Let me try to recreate the moment....

Me: You said you know Spanish. Are you fluent?
Virginia: Yeah, my dad is from Mexico, so I grew up learning Spanish and English.
M: That's gotta be kinda cool.
V: Are you gay?
M: What? No! .....What?
V: You don't look gay, but nowadays you have to ask.
M: I don't really think you do.
V: I'm sorry. I should probably go find my friends.
M: That'd probably be best.

So I learned a couple things:
1. Nothing stops a conversation quicker than questioning a heterosexual man's sexuality.
2. I can't wear the sweater that my sister got me for Christmas out in public again.

What Else Would I Be Thinking?

Yesterday, I was sitting with some friends, and one noticed that I was being rather quiet (not typical me). My mind had wandered from the conversation, and I was simply thinking to myself. I was asked, "what're you thinking about?"

The answer is simple.

Monkeys.

If I Could Be King....of Music.

I apologize for the time since the last post. I recently bought the 5th season of 24 on dvd. They should put a Surgeon General's warning on those things, 'cuz they's addictive. I also spent the last two days the the land of the Orange and White for Christmas.

As I was driving back this evening (listening to the radio, since I forgot my cd's), I came to the realization. As I passed Clay's Ferry (that one's for you Deener), I decided that rules need to be established for the world of music to keep the suckiness from continuing.

1. Fergie, I'm gonna have to issue a cease and desist immediately. Take the money you got with this last album and buy some talent. I can't understand how you have a career. At least most crappy female "artists" are at least attractive. I'll admit your body is smokin', but you have the face of a Gorgon. I dare not look your way, for fear of turning to stone.
2. Gwen Stefani, I will allow you to continue performing with a couple stipulations. You may only peform with No Doubt, and only songs preceding "Hey Baby, Hey Baby, Hey". This may seem harsh, buy you've been given a chance to experiment with your sound, and we can all see that was a mistake. If given the choice of listening to your latest album or gouging my own brain with a screwdriver, the only decision to make is phillips of flathead.
3. Jay-Z, you've retired at the top of your game and returned. You are officially the Michael Jordan of the music biz. But, unlike MJ, you are not allowed to retire again. In fact, I'm gonna need you to put out at least one album a year for the rest of your life. Once you die, I'm gonna need you to Tupac it.
4. Ludacris, you are the only hip hop artist that consistently puts out good music (I discount Jay-Z because of the retirement). Keep up the good work, man.
5. Contemporary Country Musicians, having listened to songs by many of you, I feel ill. Your music is neither country, nor western. I hereby assign you all to watch CMT's Dirty Dozen: Country Music's Top 12 Outlaws, after which, I am requiring you to listen to an album by each of them. Toby Keith and Gretchen Wilson, you are exempt from this assignment.
6. Commonwealth of Kentucky, there is a stretch of I-75 between Lexington and Knoxville where I was in neither market. No big deal except the only thing on the radio was country (see above rule to understand why this is a problem), or talk radio. I am hereby going to require you to provide a station that plays only Skynyrd, Pearl Jam, and AC/DC on a loop. That should get me through that stretch.
7. People in the car next to me, I know Elton John is gay. That does not, however, mean that if I am singing along to a classic Elton song, that I am gay. Screw you for judging. In fact, I'm adding Elton John to the list that will be played in rule 6. Unless, of course, the song is "Candle in the Wind", that song is gay.
8. Last, but not least, Fergie, I know I've already addressed you, but damn you suck. Your "London Bridge" is of no concern to me, I have no idea what "keeping the boys on rock, rock" means, and (while I appreciate your concern for breast cancer awareness) I do not want to hear about your "Lady lumps". Your "music" is the equivalent of shoving horse feces into my ear canals.

I'll be watching you all.

I Just Want To Be Soothed.

I've been dealing with a small cold as of late. Nothing bad, just congestion in the mornings and a few uncontrolable coughing fits. Unfortunately, the congestion led to today's adventure.

Because I could barely breathe through my nose, I slept most of the evening with my mouth open. This lead to my lips being extremely dry and chapped this morning... Still reading? Let's continue. So now it feels like tiny demons are clawing into my lips. So I figured while I was out I'd stop at the grocery store to find some sort of treatment. Luckily, Meijer has an entire "Lip Therapy" section. Who knew? I was going to just buy some chap stick, but I thought that might just be preventative. If only I'd had it last night. But plenty of other options. The problem then became the names. Blistex....hmmm, I don't have a blister. Herpecin....not even touching that one. Then my eyes fell on Carmex, seems innocent enough. I read the back for uses, and while cold sores and blister were listed, soothing dry and chapped lips is as well. I have dry and chapped lips, and I want them soothed. Perfect.

So I grab the Carmex, and go get a can of Kool-Aid mix (that's right, I'm a child). It wasn't until I was looking for a check-out lane that something caught my eye. Somehow, I'd missed in large lettering on the actual container "FOR COLD SORES". That's right, all caps as well. Just wanting to get out of there, I figured I'd find the shortest line and get it over with quick. Aisle 8, just two people together, not too many objects in their cart, Perfect!

Unbenounced to me, this couple apparently hadn't been shopping any time within the last 30 years. They apparently didn't understand what the big conveyor belt leading to the register was for, because they opted to hand each item individually to the cashier. They, also, apparently just see items they desire and throw them in the buggy. I can only assume this, because they felt the need to check the price of each item before handing it to the cashier. Meanwhile I'm standing there feeling the judging eyes of everyone who is accumulating behind me, as they gaze at the now stationary conveyor belt which is where my "don't kiss stripper" balm is lying. Finally they finish, pay and move forward. The cashier scans my Carmex and Kool-Aid, however when I move to swipe my card, guess who has yet to move entirely from the aisle and is blocking the card swipe machine. That's right, Mr. and Mrs. 1934. I politely say "excuse me", and Mrs. 1934 glances over her shoulder, rolls her eyes, and reluctantly takes all of the two steps it took to not impede the completion of my transaction.

I step out of the store. Ahhh, freedom. Better get in the truck, before judging eyes get out here. I get in the truck and open the balm to finally soothe my cracked and painful lips. Dammit! Now I remember why I didn't put chapstick on in the first place. It feels like I've just gone to McDonalds and asked the cook to rub a freshly fried burger patty on my lips. Seriously, now all I can think about is how greasy my lips feel. Ladies, I don't know if this is what lipstick feels like, but if it is, don't feel you have to where lipstick to impress me anymore. It would explain why you all blot so much.

There is an upside to the entire thing. I've learned that rasberry lemonade flavored Kool-Aid rocks. Silver lining.

At Least She's Not Knocked Up!

I spent the past weekend in Tennessee with the family. It was good to go home. However, my father was a little more affectionate than normal. Usually, he's not a big hugger, nor does he express his feelings that often. I learned from the best. But this weekend, he was different. Perhaps it's having all the kids back in the house, but as my older sister an niece were about to leave, he wanted a group hug. This was a bit unnerving, since the last time he wanted a group hug was 20 years ago, and it was to announce that mom was pregnant.

In this holiday season and time of thanksgiving, I have realized that I am extremely grateful that my parents locked their bedroom door on Friday nights (it wasn't until I was an adult that I realized what was going on in there). They saved me years of potential therapy bills.

Well, Mom is NOT pregnant, and I look forward to the next group hug in 2026.

Digest of Ohio Motor Vehicle Laws.

Yesterday, I went to get my Ohio license plates, and get an Ohio driver's license (previously I lived on the Kentucky side of the river.) While there was some red tape with the tags, I was pleasantly surprised by how easily it went (Kentucky was a pain). But the experience was not entirely hassle-free. When I moved to Kentucky from Tennessee, the only thing I had to do was show a valid TN driver's license and they took my picture and gave me lovely new Kentucky license. Here on the Ohio side, you have to show a valid license, then take a written test. Seriously Ohio, do you really think your drivers' skills are that much more superior to other states? Have you seen your drivers' skills?

So I'm flipping through the handbook, just making sure I'm clear on the vastly different driving laws and rules of Ohio. I noticed there is not a single mention of the proper way to merge. Having lived here for three and a half years, this actually comes as no surprise.

So since it's not covered in your driver's handbook, I am providing a merging pop quiz. This is really just for Ohioans, but anyone can participate.

Question 1: When entering a roadway via on-ramp should you?
a. Accelerate to the speed of the traffic you are joining and safely merge when adequate room is available.
b. Use your turn signal to indicate your intention. Merge when adequate room is available.
c. Stop at the end of the ramp. Wait until 27 car lengths are available, merge comfortably.

Question 2: When another driver is trying to merge from an on-ramp, you should?
a. Try to change lanes, allowing ample space for a merger.
b. Decellerate so that the other driver is able to merge.
c. Travel at the same speed as the merging driver, forcing them to the shoulder, because you shouldn't have to be bothered.

Question 3: A driver in another lane is signalling that he/she needs to change to your lane, you should?
a. Slow down and allow them into your lane.
b. Accelerate to get out of their way, so that they can merge into your lane.
c. Travel at the same speed, forcing them to miss their exit or turn, after all it is your lane.

If you answered C to every question, you are suited to drive in Cincinnati. If you answered anything other than C, you should probably live anywhere else.

Ol' McDonald Had a Farm....for Dinner.

Those of you who read regularly (all both of you), know my disdain for the KFC Famous Bowl. It's just a step shy of a trough. However, this doesn't mean I don't have a weakness for food combos that might not be the healthiest. I feel I should share some of the more recent impending heart attacks, simply because I think they're funny.

1. The Colossal - This simple and delicious sandwich was devised by my friend Mike D and I. Making one is easy. Go to Wendy's. Order a spicy chicken sandwich. Also, order a junior bacon cheeseburger. Remove chicken from it's bun, put it in with JBC. You have a Colossal. The beauty of this bad boy is it's cheap, but more importantly, you get three animals at once. Too bad Wendy's doesn't have a fish sandich.

2. The Kitchen Sink - This is actually a menu item, but it is devilishly brilliant. I had one at a place called Ted's Wildlife Grille (the chain is owned by Ted Turner) in Columbus, OH. This burger consists of a Bison burger, bacon, ham, mushrooms, onions, cheese, and, as if that wasn't enough to stop a elephant's heart, one fried egg. Awesome. Still just three different animals, technically, but you do get two pigs. Plus the egg is sunnyside-up, so it drips down the sides. The shot of pure adrenaline used to restart my heart afterward was rather invigorating.

3. My Barnyard Chili - All you Cincinnati natives will cringe, because my chili doesn't have chocolate in it. That's right, I make actual chili. It consists of three types of beans, three types of onions, two types of chili powder, and as many different animals as I can get in there. To date, the most I have gotten in is five (steak, chicken, bacon, turkey, lamb). It's like putting an entire farm in the pot. What's that Charlotte? No, Wilbur and the others won't be back.

I expect some of you are probably disgusted. Those of you thinking, "that don't sound half bad," you'll be invited to join me next time I make chili. It'll be 6 months from now. I've gotta let my heart heal.

That's What Happens When You Leave Cotton Candy Out...

It's been a while since my last post. Sorry, quite a bit going on lately. However, I will conclude my London memoirs with my return home.

Upon opening my apartment door, I was greeted by a floor full of balloons.



Having been travelling nearly 20 hours trying to return to my home sweet home,my mind was not fully functioning. I forgot that my birthday had passed and perhaps this was my friends' way of welcoming me back. I, instead, went directly upstairs, and called the exterminator. This was our conversation:

Exterminator: What seems to be the problem.
Me: I have clowns.
E: You have what?
Me: Clowns! I haven't actually seen one, yet. But their droppings are everywhere.

....and scene.